The Benefits of Having a Nemesis

we all need a cool sip of Haterade once in a while

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I didn’t know what I was going to write about this week, but then the massive drama happened re: Glennon Doyle, and I’ve had to read 5929352432 hot takes in Notes and posts. So it is on my mind, despite my very much not wanting it to be.

I am not going to go into it that much, because I don’t really care about it save for an eyeroll and my general issues with the way this joint is being run. And as

Kirsten Powers

so astutely pointed out, it’s not really about her.

A breaking point, indeed.

The confluence of events was unfortunate and I definitely understood why this happened, even if I felt some of the rage was misdirected. And lord knows, in my younger years just starting out, I may have also added to the pile on by shooting my mouth off, as I was known to do.

While it’s true that women are actually outwriting and outselling men in the literary world (though I doubt they’re still equal in respect OR payment), there are many areas of the arts that are not even close to gender parity. Film directing, for example. And my field - playwriting.

Thanks to the great work of organizations like The Kilroys, we are better off than we were a decade ago. Kind of too bad this administration seems hell bent on wrecking everything for us even more than it was!

But I digress.

Let me be clear that I do not think women are above criticism or reproach, and it IS frustrating when people who are already successful start up in a space where writers who felt forgotten or dismissed finally found a home¹. It is easy to fall prey to a scarcity mentality, and it can make you feel like they are taking something away from you.² And I think men like it that way, because they can just keep making more money while we fight with each other.

I have had to deal with my own emotions around all of this for a long ass time. It’s very easy and reductive to say that women who got frustrated with the influx of big names onto Substack are jealous, Bitter Betties, bullies, etc. I don’t think it’s that simple, and it’s easy to forget that we are all human beings trying to forge a path in a hyper masculine capitalist society.

A younger playwright I know was really struggling with being rejected from a big opportunity, and asked me how I dealt with jealousy, and rejection, and how to manage to be graceful and happy for your friends and/or colleagues when they become successful or get the thing you wanted. How to feel like you didn’t lose something just because they gained.

I could have given them all of my Aged Wisdom about how to cope with this, but instead, I gave them something out of left field.

Every artist needs a Nemesis.

For the purposes of this essay, a Nemesis is a person of the same gender who is in your field, and could reasonably be considered a peer. It is imperative that you understand that [insert insanely famous person here] cannot be your nemesis, unless you are also famous. It simply cannot. They just have to be a little bit more successful than you, to make sure the bitterness is acute.

The Nemesis can be a person that you (maybe irrationally!) cannot stand. Maybe you think their work is trite, or they were a dick to you at a party once, or some other reason. But at one point, the Nemesis got something you really wanted, and you now hate them with the fire of a thousand suns.

Also very important: The Nemesis cannot be someone you are friends with, hang out with a lot, or have to associate with on a super regular basis. You may see them at an event or something, but if you are in school with them or work with them directly, it is not a good choice. Hating from afar is easier.

Do not drag this person in public or - god forbid - on the internet. If you must divulge your nemesis, make sure it is to someone you trust immensely and/or has no idea who they are. And obviously, do not do any shady or backhanded nonsense that would cause this person professional or personal harm. The world is too small, people talk, and it isn’t a good look.

Once you secure your Nemesis, YOU GET TO BE A BIG OL’ HATER. You get to be a Hater who Drinks ALL the Haterade³. You get to see their success and be BIG MAD ABOUT IT for as long as it is useful to you.

You know what this does?

It frees you up to be happy for your friends when they get the Big Thing and it also frees you from spending your time and energy on things you cannot control.

Is it petty? Yes!

Is it mature? Not really!

But it is human.

You cannot possibly expect yourself to be the Better Person all the time. I know we all want to be seen as benevolent and graceful, but really, sometimes you want to climb Mount Petty and enjoy the view from the summit.

By re-directing your frustration and rage upon your Nemesis, you will be more able to lift up writers you love, and support your fellow lady colleagues in a more constructive way. It’s not that you’re never going to feel a pang of jealousy. Rejection still stings, especially when it’s still not a level playing field. But if you are internalizing your disappointment by measuring yourself against wildly successful people, that is too much for your brain to hold. That’s going to make you feel like you are doing everything wrong, when really, luck and timing are a big part of all of this.

If they have a failure? A bad review? Bonus. And you didn’t do a damn thing to facilitate that. You walk away with hands clean. You can roll in your hate. Luxuriate in your hate. Top your Hate Sundae with Hate Sauce. Yum yum yum yum yum yummmm. Schadenfreudelicious.⁴

Part of the appeal of the Nemesis is that it’s a little bit of a fantasy. The Nemesis is sort of like having an imaginary friend, except it’s your Imaginary Enemy, as they may literally never think about you. And, as in childhood, there comes a day when you may no longer need your imaginary friend/enemy. You will understand that it is not their fault you didn’t get the thing. Your brain will finally go “hey, you know what, they still suck, but they have nothing to do with the general unfairness of the world”.

That day may not be today.

I give you permission to be a Hater if you are struggling, if you are toiling in obscurity, if you’re seeing your Substack traffic get nerfed, you’re losing paid followers, or you are just mad at how unfair everything is. You have my permission to focus all of your ire on your Nemesis to get the hate wiggles out. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t mad at the system. The system sucks, and even if your Nemesis is successful, it sucks for them too. Especially if they are not a white man.

There is no way you’re going to be making work you are proud of if you let this consume you. Your artist needs to separate itself from the hustle. You need to celebrate your successes, and not view the success of others as a personal failure. Keep your eyes on your own paper, and keep going.

This isn’t to say that suddenly you’re going to be madly famous and wealthy, and get your orange checkmark or whatever validation crumbs this world decides to throw at you. I am not suddenly going to be winning a Pulitzer or getting flowers at my hit Broadway play because I let some of this go. But by giving myself a container for my rage, I was able to compartmentalize a bit. It made it much easier to navigate the rejection in an overcrowded field.

While my Nemesis still annoys me from afar, my hate has been downgraded to minor annoyance. I thank her for her service to my brain.

I hope to pay it forward by getting fancy enough that I am someone’s Nemesis! I hope I wasn’t that much of a dick to anyone, but there are people who find me intensely annoying, and that may be enough.

I know it’s so hard. It’s so, so hard. It is so hard to put yourself out there.

Just keep going.

Lean on your friends, uplift your colleagues, and share work you love. Delight in the successes of your friends, and they will delight in yours. If you do this, you will experience abundance, in sometimes surprising ways. It doesn’t fix everything, it doesn’t pay bills, but it can help redirect your energy towards something more constructive.

Do you have a Nemesis? Has it helped you? AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T EVEN IMPLY WHO IT IS ON AL GORE’S INTERNET. I do not want another shitshow. We’ve all had enough of those for one week!

1. I remember when celebrities started writing plays and immediately getting them produced at Off-Broadway theaters. I was pissed. But when I found myself being more pissed at the women than I was at the men, I had to check my damn self.

2. ETA: it is not fair at all to use the scarcity mindset against people who were upset because they’re having trouble paying bills now, because they’re losing paid subs. I just don’t think ONE person is the problem, that’s a Substack problem, and we’re gonna be working our way through that for a while.

3. I don’t mean hate, like actual hatred, like wishing harm upon them, and certainly not inflicting harm. But you CAN wish that they accidentally tuck their dress into their underpants at a gala or something.

4. I stole that from Jon Stewart, but I can’t find the clip where he said it.