I’ve been writing this essay in my brain for years. I wasn’t going to publish this, mostly because of fear. Then it occurred to me that I may not be able to, in an amount of time faster than most people realize. I also now don’t feel entirely safe recording it, so I am not going to. If you think this is an overreaction, well, I envy you honestly.
God help us all. See you on the other side.
When The Sopranos aired on HBO in 1999, it was groundbreaking television. It’s not that stories about the Mafia had never been done before, but definitely didn’t involve the mob boss going to therapy and dealing with their childhood abuse. While there are many incredible things about The Sopranos, it troubled me, even though I was a young woman who was still developing her worldview.
While obviously James Gandolfini was brilliant in the role, and the supporting cast (especially Edie Falco) was amazing, it was still about a criminal. No matter how much therapy Tony goes to, he is still not a good person. He may be sexy and alluring in his own way, but he is not a good person. And he did not, as the linked author posits, love women.
Tony Soprano is a great character, very complex, but he was an anti-hero. He was, however, interpreted by some (mostly men) as aspirational. Money and power were very much in vogue, coming off the prosperous Clinton years, and everything seemed on the up and up. We had such hope then!
The Sopranos was a juggernaut, and its influence opened the door to some of my favorite shows, including Six Feet Under, which is probably my favorite show of all time. It was the beginning of the Golden Era of prestige TV.
It also increased the popularity of the White Male Anti-Hero on television. I didn’t realize what it meant at the time. My spidey sense only started to tingle because of the reaction to one character on a popular show that would air nearly a decade later.
That character was Skyler White.
Skyler White, for those of you unfamiliar, was a character on AMC’s hit show Breaking Bad, which premiered in 2008, starring the brilliant Bryan Cranston as Walter White, the chemistry teacher turned drug lord. Skyler White - Walter’s wife - was played by Anna Gunn.
If you have not watched Breaking Bad, there are SPOILERS ahead:
Here is a very brief summary of the setup in the pilot: Walter White, a mild-mannered high school chemistry teacher who can barely make ends meet, collapses at his part time job (at a car wash). He is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. When faced with unaffordable treatments, he decides to make methamphetamine and sell it in order to pay for his care and to leave funds behind for his wife and children. This is understandable! I remember at the time thinking the show would be about how horrible America is for folks who are sick. Our system is so fucked that it is actually EASIER to make meth than to get good health insurance and leave something behind to care for your family.
That is…not the direction the show went in, ultimately.
As the series goes on, it becomes more and more clear that Walt might not actually be as mild-mannered as he seems. Walt quickly moves up the ranks due to the quality of his product, and attracts the interest of some heavy hitter drug lords like Gus Fring, played by Giancarlo Esposito, who is arguably one of the most terrifying TV villains of all time. As Walt gains power and notoriety, and all of the trappings that come with it, he goes to great lengths to conceal the truth from his wife and his brother-in-law (who is a DEA agent). This means a lot of lying happens. A whole lot.
Skyler discovers his secrets later on in the series, and she is rightfully pissed. The reaction from the viewing audience to her rage and her heartbreak was not “wow, it sucks he lied to his wife and became a murdering drug lord”, it was “Skyler sucks”. Apparently, Skyler is terrible not only because she was mad at Walt for being a drug dealer and lying about it, but also because she did not give him an enthusiastic handjob on his birthday, and she is preventing all of his Drug Lord Fun Times! What a BITCH, right?
There is a scene in the show that has always stayed with me, in the first episode of the second season. I have thought about it since it aired, and it still pops into my mind from time to time.
In this scene, Walt has returned home from a violent altercation, and is standing in the living room. Skyler, VERY pregnant and donning a green facial masque, asks if he is okay and offers to make him something to eat. She heads to the kitchen, and he follows her. He starts rubbing up on her, in this weird desperate way, and she rebuffs him, gently. But Walt’s arousal has consumed him, because we are meant to believe that violence is an aphrodisiac for men.1
She tries to get him to stop, but he persists. Things quickly become violent as Walt forcefully pushes Skyler up against the fridge, and yanks down her underwear, clearly intending to have sex with her whether she wants to or not. After a scuffle, and many cries of “STOP IT”, Skyler is able to stop him, but is clearly shaken. They both pretend nothing happens when their son arrives home, and the only evidence of the altercation is a messy kitchen and a smudge of green facial masque on the fridge.
This early instance of sexual violence was foreshadowing for the further violence that Walt was capable of, and felt he was entitled to. In Season 5, there is a scene where it is implied that Walt succeeds in raping his wife.
Despite this, the reaction to Skyler White as a character mushroomed into pure hatred for her character. It got so out of control that Anna Gunn - who was playing a person invented by two dudes and is not actually named Skyler White - was getting death threats and harassment. This got so bad that the creators of the show felt the need to respond, even after the show was over, and Gunn herself wrote an op-ed in the New York Times:
One such post read: “Could somebody tell me where I can find Anna Gunn so I can kill her?” Besides being frightened (and taking steps to ensure my safety), I was also astonished: how had disliking a character spiraled into homicidal rage at the actress playing her?
But I finally realized that most people’s hatred of Skyler had little to do with me and a lot to do with their own perception of women and wives. Because Skyler didn’t conform to a comfortable ideal of the archetypical female, she had become a kind of Rorschach test for society, a measure of our attitudes toward gender.
Walter White (a fictional character) was a murderer, a drug kingpin, and likely a rapist. And yet, people still make Reddit threads about what a bitch Skyler (also a fictional character) was.
I am absolutely not blaming a TV show for our problems. I know full well that you can’t control what people think about your work, nor how they interpret it. I do not have a problem with Breaking Bad as a piece of art. It was an excellent show. I do not think that the creators of the show wanted Walter White to be viewed as an aspirational hero, even if he was the protagonist. But, as we have seen, America started to have a real problem divorcing fiction from reality.2
The rise of the aspirational white male antihero in our narratives just so happened to help fuel a flame we didn’t even see burning. A smoldering charcoal in a campfire, and a rising backlash to the ethos of the 1990s. Racism - ever present in our society - would begin to grow louder and prouder. I am not qualified to write about the intersections of racism and misogyny, there are plenty of brilliant writers doing that, but I’ll just say they are not mutually exclusive.
Around this time - let’s say “the mid aughts” (2005-2010ish) - there was another phenomenon happening. In the space of ten years, we went from Riot Grrl to Rock of Love3. Male swagger was back, baby!
In 2005, The Game by Neil Strauss was published. It was an examination of the (excuse me while I puke in my mouth) “seduction community” that had emerged, with the self-proclaimed “Pick Up Artists” at the helm. What Strauss took away from their tutelage was that society had failed him by not teaching him how to manipulate women into fucking him. Neat.
Erik Von Markovik - aka “Mystery” - was one of the focuses of the book, and became Strauss’ guru in his eternal quest for all the booty he missed out on. Mystery capitalized on this exposure, publishing a book called How to Get Beautiful Women in Bed - The Mystery Method (once again, barf in mouth) and was charging up to $5000 a pop for the privilege of his seminars. VH1 gave him his own reality show, called The Pick Up Artist, where he instructed hapless nerds how to pick up chicks.
Tracy Clark-Flory wrote a profile of Mystery in Salon in 2007. I remember reading the article at the time and thinking “wtf”, but reading it now is downright chilling:
How do you "rewire" a woman? According to Mystery, it involves meeting the objectives of her phases of attraction in order to establish comfort and successfully seduce her within seven hours. It's a method that has inspired ire, to be sure -- particularly his use of the "neg," a "subtle-yet-negative statement that puts a target off-guard and makes her question her own value." Along with "peacocking" -- which, some might say, paints women as house cats easily distracted by shiny objects -- Mystery has also developed "cat theory," which he defines as "keeping 'bait' just out of a woman's reach and continually enticing her in small increments. She must be baited to chase like a cat with a string." He dubs this school of thought the "Venusian Arts" -- the end goal of which is "replication."
This was around the time I started to get genuinely scared of the rise of misogyny in our culture. I was blogging about this at the time (RIP Blogspot), and was met with my first onslaught in the comments section. Certainly not my last.
Although the “seduction community” was focused on the pursuit of women in order to have sex with them, it fostered the rise of incel culture and the manosphere. There are many smart books and articles written about this, so I won’t dive too deeply into it here. It may seem strange that horny pickup artists and “involuntary celibate” men joined forces, but they speak a common language that dehumanizes women. They converged into some of the better known “manosphere” communities like the Red Pill on Reddit, and then trickled into the mainstream, with men like Jordan Peterson, Alex Jones, and Joe Rogan at the helm (I am not linking to any of their “work” here, you can google them if you are unfamiliar). Self-described “incels” took their rage offline, and in some cases, murdered women in cold blood.
These communities found fellowship with the right wing, especially Christian Nationalists. The Tea Party had started out by rebelling against the first Black president, and wanted to have a much bigger influence.
All they needed was a leader. Little did they know that a reality show called The Apprentice - which premiered in 2004 and ran through 2015 - would hand them one on a silver platter.
When Donald Trump announced his bid for President, I had just started writing a play. It was called Wendy and the Neckbeards. It was my furious reaction to Trump’s nomination, online misogyny, and my fear of what was coming next. The description of the play is as follows:
Wendy - a 17 year old body positive Instagram influencer - is having her life exploded by internet trolls - represented by a Chorus of Neckbeards. Jess discovers that her long term boyfriend Chad spends his time harassing young women on the internet to "blow off steam". From here, the two stories converge in an examination of the current era of internet harassment, toxic masculinity, and the cycle of abuse towards women in America.
I spent the better part of a year doing a deep dive on Reddit, blogs written by so called “Men’s Rights Activists”, and - much to my regret - 4Chan. 0/10, would not do again. Zero stars on Yelp. It kept me up at night. It made me sound crazy online.
The most disturbing post I read was by a young man who had been sexually abused by his intoxicated mother as a young child. I can’t remember exactly how old he was, but he was in his late teens. He made a post asking for guidance. He really wanted a girlfriend, but he wasn’t sure how to get past this, and he was also socially awkward and didn’t quite know where to start. The more prolific (and older) men in the group swooped in. They didn’t suggest counseling. They didn’t suggest calling a rape crisis center. Instead, they told him that his mother was a great example of why women needed to be reigned in, how modern society and liberals made them all sexually deviant whores, and that everything bad that ever happened or will happen to him in his life is because of women. They then gave him pretty explicit suggestions of how to try and rape a girl he was hanging out with.
I felt deeply for this kid, and I don’t even blame him for listening to them, since it was clear no one else listened to him a day in his life. Sexual abuse by a parent, no matter the gender, is one of the worst things that can happen to someone. He was lonely and confused, and was looking for guidance and community. What he got was a group of narcissistic sociopaths who lured him in. I don’t know what happened to him, but I still think about him. He inspired one of the monologues in the play.
Mentally, I never quite recovered from my research. The rank misogyny was combined with racism, white supremacy4, not-so-subtle pedophilic overtones, and an increasing view that men needed to “reclaim” their rightful place in society. Young men were being radicalized and mobilized. In droves. And it wouldn’t be long before billionaires figured out how to cash in.
Once you see things for what they are, there is no un-seeing it.
When Trump won the nomination, I plunged into despair, because I knew in my gut he would win. The forces of the culture and the forces of political power were starting to collide. Many people are confused why right-wing Christians would support a man so vulgar. It is not because of Jesus. It’s not even because of abortion, certainly not the morality of it. They saw an opportunity. A window. They had the men they needed. They saw ways to make women participate in their own subjugation by pitting “real women” and “Christian Women” against “ugly blue haired feminazis”. I was terrified from the get-go while literally everyone around me treated it like a joke. Until it wasn’t.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my progressive community was splintered. The divisions were ugly, and I won’t go in depth into the terribleness of that primary season, but let’s just say that people showed me who they really were. I have been on the internet for more than 25 years. I have never experienced harassment to the degree that I did during that primary. I was heartbroken, because I realized that a large chunk of so-called progressive men hated women, too. The misogynist stew that had been simmering in the culture had come to a rolling boil, overflowed, and made a big fucking mess.
When Clinton won the nomination, the Sanders coalition was enraged. I found myself begging my male colleagues, friends and acquaintances to vote for her, or at the very least, stop trashing her 24/7 on the internet. Whatever disagreement I may have had with some of her positions, Clinton was by far one of the most qualified people on earth for said job. But the biggest issue for me was the Supreme Court.
When McConnell prevented Obama from appointing a new Supreme Court justice when Antonin Scalia died (may he rot in piss), it became clear that we would certainly lose the majority if she was not elected. The right had been trying to take down Roe (among other things) for 50 years. They went all in on Trump once he was nominated, knowing that they would get the court. That was all that mattered. I’d like to think I was an oracle, but I did simple math to arrive at that conclusion.
On Election Night of 2016, I watched helplessly as state by state turned red, and my social media feeds reacted in disbelief and shock. I wasn’t shocked, but it was shocking to witness. I have, in every situation in my life, run the worst case scenario. It’s quite another thing when worst case scenario actually happens, no matter how prepared you think you are. I’d find that out again in 2022, when Roe v. Wade was overturned. I knew it was coming, and it still destroyed me. It’s been even worse than I imagined.
The misogynist invective around all of this is not unfamiliar, but stunning in its blatancy. The quiet part is being said out loud and proud. The men seeking to destroy our democracy are doing so in large part because they hate women, and they didn’t wrap it up all cute for us. They left a flaming box of shit on our doorstep.
I hoped that the fall of Roe would change hearts and minds. It did, but not with men. Not enough men, anyway. Men are becoming more conservative, even Gen Z’ers. White Nationalism and anti-Semitism are not only dangerous forces, but increasingly mainstream. Black men - who historically voted overwhelmingly Democratic - are being seduced by Trumpism. Elon Musk has removed most of the guardrails on X/Twitter that prevent harassment and stalking, and is dumping cash into Trump’s campaign as well as actively campaigning on the ground. The billionaire owners of the LA Times and the Washington Post have declined for the first time in decades to endorse a presidential candidate.
And sadly, some “progressive” white5 men are voting third party or not voting once again, only this time instead of “economic anxiety” it’s their sudden and passionate concern for dead women and children in Gaza. You’ll excuse me if I call bullshit when I see it. If they really cared about women and children, they had a chance to save a slew of them in 2016 and chose not to.
They think this doesn’t apply to them. They believe that somehow they will be absolved for this and congratulated for their moral superiority.
I promise you, neither absolution or congratulations will arrive.
I finished the first draft of Wendy and the Neckbeards about a month before the 2016 election. Of all the plays I have written, it is the one I am proudest of. It was my battle cry, my plea, my scream for help. I keep revising the script. The internet has changed a lot in 8 years. TikTok didn’t even exist yet. I view it as a living document.
I am forced to draw the same conclusion that I did in 2016: when you degrade and seek to control women, you not only strip them of their humanity, you lose your own in the process. You may think you are somehow exempt. You aren’t. The consequences of all of this are ones you are already experiencing. You just may not see it.
And so, I am about to go on a weird ass tangent, as I am want to do.
Most of you are probably familiar with the Looney Tunes characters Road Runner and Wile E Coyote. The Coyote spends his entire existence chasing the Road Runner. He doggedly pursues the Road Runner at great expense to himself. He uses dynamite. He falls off cliffs. He is absolutely willing to die trying. But the Road Runner is too fast and too smart, and thus, despite his determination, Coyote fails at every turn.
For whatever reason, the cartoon - called “Soup or Sonic” - has been slamming around in my brain for decades. The cartoon’s ending goes as follows:
Coyote, at long last, catches Road Runner. He has endured several near death experiences to get there, and at the end, runs through a tunnel that - as things go in cartoon land - shrinks him. But he finally, at long last, catches his foe. Victorious, he wraps his arms around Road Runner’s leg and looks upward.
Road Runner is now larger than life. He’s bigger than he has ever been. He looks down at the tiny Coyote, and gives his trademark “Beep Beep”, and it is low and thunderous.
Coyote looks out at the audience.
He holds up a sign.
It says "Okay, wise guys. You always wanted me to catch him. Now what do I do?"
On the surface, in America, it looks like Coyote finally won. But real life isn’t a cartoon, a TV show, or a Marvel movie. Just because someone loses doesn’t mean you win. That isn’t how this works.
Men like Trump and Musk and Vance and Murdoch are not geniuses. They are just rich and hateful. They want to make you smaller, a tiny Coyote chasing the Road Runner for the rest of your lives. They make a lot of money watching you run. And they’re laughing. Yes, AT you.
If Trump actually wins, you may felt like you won. But you forget, he already scored you a great victory, and reminds you of it daily. Women have lost their rights in a huge swath of this country.
Is your life better yet?
Before publishing this post, Trump threw a Nazi party in my city. So if I sound desperate here, that’s because I am. And yes, before it gets lobbed at me - I am a cisgendered, college educated, middle class white woman. I will, more than likely, be fine. I am not worried about me. At least for now. The only thing I can do is bear witness. It is my responsibility as an artist to do so.
Despite my anger and sadness, I don’t hate men. I am married to one, for chrissakes. You are humans. I know you wear the scars of this shit world, too. I have no doubt that you have at some point been hurt by a woman in your life. Women are human beings. They are corruptible and can be shitty like everyone else. That’s the boring truth.
I don’t know how to make people less shitty, but giving power to the shittiest humans isn’t the way to do that. But here is something I do know: Real heroes don’t get congratulated in their time. Or even rewarded. But what they leave behind is the stuff of legend.
Michelle Obama made a brilliant speech the other night. She said many amazing things, but this was the one that stood out:
If you take this opportunity to recognize that changing your mind could make things a tiny bit better for your fellow humans, and not just women, you can be the hero in your own story. You might not get a Wikipedia entry, or millions of dollars, but your daughters, your wives, and your friends will remember.
I know the people who need to hear this won’t hear it. I’ll get the usual comments. I’m a cunt, a misandrist, a centrist, a neoliberal, a bitch, an idiot, a racist. I’ll be fighting off trolls for weeks. But I needed to get this out.
You can call me whatever you want. Nothing you say can hurt me at this point.
What you can’t do is take my humanity from me.
Don’t hand yours over so easily.
10% of all proceeds from paid subscriptions from now until Election Day go to a reproductive rights organization, in honor of JD Vance! Of course, the free option is always available, and most of my writing is not paywalled. I also encourage you to share anything that resonates, as that is how I build my readership.
Thank you for being here.
The marriage of sex and violence in media is a topic that many excellent writers have tackled, and I’d encourage you to seek them out.
That is an entirely other essay that I will get to at some point.
Flavor of Love was the better of the VH1 “Bachelor” dupes.
One of my high school classmates became the head of the largest white supremacist group in my home state. I am still scared of him, and that’s part of why I haven’t written about it. We’ll see how the election goes.
I should state that I am, for the most part, addressing white men in this essay, although staggering lack of basic reading comprehension never ceases to amaze me.
Such a good read. I'm sharing your devastation. I live in Germany, so Trump won't impact my health care. I miscarried at home 1.5 years ago, was rushed to the ER and had a D&C a day later to remove the rest of the tissue. I was exhausted, and devastated, but relieved. I don't understand how fucked in your head you must be to vote for such vile human beings who are proud to deny women to be cared for in times of pain and despair. I stayed up all night and saw the results come in in disbelief. What now?
That scene from season 2 of Breaking Bad made me realize just how terrible Walter White was- until then his actions felt somewhat justifiable, but when he attempted to rape his wife I was so horrified!
This piece was so well-written. I really hope Trump doesn’t win again.