Thank you for writing this. I have a deeply complicated relationship with my own mother and related to so much of this. Nobody can shatter your heart quite like the person who made it. Congratulations on loving yourself enough to let go. That’s no small thing ❤️
I absolutely relate to every bit of your piece, such a well written recount of your choice to put honoring your life above trying to satisfy someone who would never stop ripping you apart. I must always remind myself that my mother would destroy me for sport if I allowed it. You had me immediately with “Troy”, I listened to it after every encounter with my mother…the last time I played it after a particularly grim visit I received a text that Sinead had just passed away. None of this gets easier but when you know you don’t walk alone, it helps. Thank you for posting, I know many will benefit from reading this,
How brave you are to share all that with the world. Thank you. The line that really resonated with me was "in a way I've already grieved". I understand that so well. The situations are different but after my mother's death when I was only 29 (she had wanted me and had me when she was 41), my father who I was always closest to (I am an only child) became another person. He wasn't ill from dementia but willingly chose to be with, then marry a woman who hated me and separated us for the final third of his life. She did not even know me. He actually said to me "we don't have anything in common", and "please don't rock my boat." My stepmother was mean and manipulative and jealous. He lived to be 100 but he wasn't my Daddy anymore from 65 to 100. I grieved for him for years for years and his rejection of me shook me to my core and I lost faith in love and my understanding of it. I have now processed it but there is still a hole in my heart where the Daddy I thought I had used to be. Writing this in itself has been therapeutic. Thank you.
This was such a clear-eyed, moving, courageous piece of writing. Really extraordinary. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that to arrive at this point.
Wow. Although our circumstances are different I still feel this deeply. There's a refrain from a poem that Louise Penny uses repeatedly in her novels "Long dead and buried in another town, my mother isn't finished with me yet." I think that line is my 'Troy.' It can be so difficult to figure out how to separate ourselves from a parent who wants to build their own happiness on our foundations. And there are so many people who will never understand that we didn't just put up boundaries on a whim.
I had to wait a few days to respond. I also had a very complicated, wildly painful relationship with my mom and spent decades figuring out boundaries and then maintaining them. She was an alcoholic and for lots of reasons I was her target when she was drunk (lots of reasons it took years of therapy for me to realize were not about me). I will say we had a genuinely beautiful healing experience the last few weeks of her life which I spent with her in the ICU. I have grieved so much for the relationship I always wished we had, and for my mother since she passed. It’s a deep wound when the person who really ought to have your back more than anyone, is the person going for your jugular. Sending you lots of love and hugs, feel free to message me if you ever want to talk 🤍
You were one of the writers here who inspired me to talk about this openly. Your brave and honest posts about your experiences made me realize that the more of us who speak out, the less alone in this pain we are. I am glad that you were able to have that healing with your mom in the end. I always say that if it gets to the point where its an end-of-life situation, that is a bridge I will cross if and when I come to it. Thank you <3
My experience is similar w/o the addict component and physical abuse. So I never felt like it was that bad or that it was anything but me. But from an early age, I knew that I wasn’t getting what I needed. I’ll never forget coming down to breakfast when I was about 5 and her telling me she had a nightmare. In it, I chose to stay at a carnival with the man next door and not go home with her. I couldn’t believe that was a nightmare for her, I never felt wanted by her. If I said that, I was the one with the problem.
Fast forward to two different great therapists, both of whom asked if she is borderline. After the second one said it, I read about it, and the part about them not being diagnosed because they can’t handle it rang so true and explained why going to a therapist was a childhood threat.
A couple of years ago, my father who I adore but who is codependent, received a horrible diagnosis. It sent her back to her worst behaviors and after a bad blowup, I just said to contact me when she’s ready. I haven’t heard from her since. Gifts are returned or regifted to me. Her family has stopped speaking to me, and I’m ok with that, too. Every word I said would go back to her and then there’d be consequences.
I hope she thinks it’s her decision because it has given me the space to begin healing and I’m not going to give that up. I dread the day I get a call about having to deal with something - her inability to care for herself or my dad’s death.
That’s why I also appreciated your point about grieving. I’ve grieved, and while it’s like any grief, there are odd times it pops up, but I’m now at peace. But I know I’m already going to have to grieve again. And on top of all kinds of things that are unfair, that is the unfairness of all.
Thanks again for talking about something that many people don’t understand or condone. It’s nice to not be the only one.
The most insidious thing about emotional abuse is that it doesn't make itself obvious. There was physical abuse in my home, but it really didn't happen with alarming frequency, and also that was a sign the argument had gone wayyy too far (and usually ended it). In a way, I preferred stuff like that over the emotional abuse.
First, let me say that I am profoundly sad for your childhood experiences. I also grew up walking on eggshells. You never knew who you were going to get. It’s such a learning process to understand that there are good things that your mother gave you, along with the absolutely awful, terrible, unforgivable things. For a long time in therapy I was able to look at the situation objectively. She did the best she could with the tools she had. HOWEVER, that does not excuse the pain and suffering she caused. My mother was the child of a narcissistic mother and a physically and sexually abusive father. They had 3 kids before my grandmother was 20. Match made in hell. My aunt fled to the convent at 13 and my uncle went to the army. My mother stayed. She grew up to be the perfectionist, and after her brother died tragically young, the rage she carried around was palpable. She would routinely call me a list of words that I shall not repeat because it took me so long to erase that tape playing in my head. She was a teetotaler, except for pina coladas in the summer time. Everything was controlled to within an inch of my life. Or else.
She didn’t hit me much, but she didn’t have to. Her favorite thing to say was “I’ll kill you!”
We went toe to toe for my entire adolescence and beyond. And I had a SHITLOAD of therapy, since I was a teenager. Some therapists are definitely better than others, and I have found that hypnotherapy was extraordinarily helpful. I have also used other modalities - Karena of Hello Inner Light has done some incredible somatic work with me. I highly recommend her, if you’re interested.
I grew up with no boundaries - a super enmeshed family. Holidays were a roulette of who would yell, who would cry, and who would leave. Thankfully, my mother has done a lot of work on herself and recognizes when her need to control things is harming everyone… sometimes. I still have to ground myself when I go see them. I live 25 minutes away, and that’s considered far. My sister lives literally down the street from my parents.
I am fortunate in many respects - things could have been SO MUCH WORSE. But they were bad. They were harmful. And I also chose not to have kids to end the cycle. I could see many of the traits of my mother in me, and I did not want to inflict that on anyone else, especially a child who had no recourse.
Sending you much love in your healing journey. The C-PTSD book was an excellent resource. Once I graduate next week, The Body Keeps the Score is on my list to read over the summer - light reading, you know!
I’ll be 50 in the fall, and all I can say is that I wouldn’t be who I am without the good and the bad. Many people have it better and worse. It doesn’t make our pain less important to acknowledge. If you want a new internet friend, I’m here!
Thank you so much for sharing. I now what you mean, that feeling of “it could have been worse”. What I always remember is that for us it was bad, and that just because you have more things than some doesn’t mean you didn’t suffer. For example, some very wealthy children often experience horrendous abuse, but people disregard it because their material needs are met.
We have this in common. Including not continuing this pattern with children of our own. I’m sorry we share this, but your writing also makes me feel less alone. Thank you for putting this into the world.
Choosing estrangment is incredibly brave and courageous, I chose it with both my father and sister and therapy was a lifeline for me through that process ❤️🫶🏼
This is similar to me. It's very difficult. But what resonated for me was how other people would be SHOCKED to see how the parent/sibling acted privately. I love that the wonderful bits were acknowledged here, and also the part about saying, "Well, my pain isn't as bad as Sinead's b/c she was literally locked out of her house." It makes you feel like you're overreacting, kind of. So many things in this piece were so spot on.
Oh, my response was confusing sorry! I am estranged myself from my father & sister for similar reasons as yours. My father has passed away now which has been a relief
Or I misread bc my meds haven’t kicked in and I need more coffee 🤣 I’m sorry you had to choose this with your sister too. I’m also estranged from my father but that’s a WHOLE OTHER story….
The longer I’m estranged from my father the healthier I feel. Breaking out of the child bondage I felt is so incredibly freeing. We deserve to be happy. If that means no contact then so be it! Trauma healing gives us a second chance ❤️
Thank you, it took me a while to read because I kept crying. I am the eldest daughter of 5 children and I also had a mother who was abusive; mentally, emotionally, and physically - at least to me. My siblings much less so, my experience was so bad that my baby sister told me once that she wished I’d had HER mother. Mom died 22 years ago so I never got any closure or understanding from her or a chance - I still grieve that. My relationship with her is so much better now but I still grieve the loss of my Mom and wonder about her trauma.
“A part of me will always love my mother. I know that my mother believes that she loved me, but the version of love that I grew up with was obsessive, smothering, transactional, and conditional.”
This. This right here is an arrow to my soul. Thank you for your story. I feel seen.
Beautiful piece, thank you. Going no contact is so difficult but necessary for some of us. I find Dr. Ramani's podcast, "Navigating Narcissism" very helpful for my own situation. I LOVE this song. I always thought it was a love song until I learned more about Sinead O'Connor's experience of her Mother's abuse. Her pain is so palpable in her voice.
Thank you for writing this. I have a deeply complicated relationship with my own mother and related to so much of this. Nobody can shatter your heart quite like the person who made it. Congratulations on loving yourself enough to let go. That’s no small thing ❤️
It’s so hard. It’s hard no matter what you decide. The heart breaks all the same. ❤️
I absolutely relate to every bit of your piece, such a well written recount of your choice to put honoring your life above trying to satisfy someone who would never stop ripping you apart. I must always remind myself that my mother would destroy me for sport if I allowed it. You had me immediately with “Troy”, I listened to it after every encounter with my mother…the last time I played it after a particularly grim visit I received a text that Sinead had just passed away. None of this gets easier but when you know you don’t walk alone, it helps. Thank you for posting, I know many will benefit from reading this,
<3 thank you.
With Mother's Day coming up, I keep this Anne Lamott piece handy for when I feel overwhelmed with LOOK AT EVERYONE CELEBRATING THEIR MOM funk. https://www.salon.com/2010/05/08/hate_mothers_day_anne_lamott/
Also some mailing lists (restaurants/spas/shopping) now have an opt-out for Mother's Day related bulletins.
How brave you are to share all that with the world. Thank you. The line that really resonated with me was "in a way I've already grieved". I understand that so well. The situations are different but after my mother's death when I was only 29 (she had wanted me and had me when she was 41), my father who I was always closest to (I am an only child) became another person. He wasn't ill from dementia but willingly chose to be with, then marry a woman who hated me and separated us for the final third of his life. She did not even know me. He actually said to me "we don't have anything in common", and "please don't rock my boat." My stepmother was mean and manipulative and jealous. He lived to be 100 but he wasn't my Daddy anymore from 65 to 100. I grieved for him for years for years and his rejection of me shook me to my core and I lost faith in love and my understanding of it. I have now processed it but there is still a hole in my heart where the Daddy I thought I had used to be. Writing this in itself has been therapeutic. Thank you.
Thank you for reading. I’m so sorry your father treated you that way. I know how much it hurts. ❤️ I hate that anyone has to go through this.
This was such a clear-eyed, moving, courageous piece of writing. Really extraordinary. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that to arrive at this point.
Thank you Sarah. ❤️
Wow. Although our circumstances are different I still feel this deeply. There's a refrain from a poem that Louise Penny uses repeatedly in her novels "Long dead and buried in another town, my mother isn't finished with me yet." I think that line is my 'Troy.' It can be so difficult to figure out how to separate ourselves from a parent who wants to build their own happiness on our foundations. And there are so many people who will never understand that we didn't just put up boundaries on a whim.
Thank you! That is a terrific line.
I had to wait a few days to respond. I also had a very complicated, wildly painful relationship with my mom and spent decades figuring out boundaries and then maintaining them. She was an alcoholic and for lots of reasons I was her target when she was drunk (lots of reasons it took years of therapy for me to realize were not about me). I will say we had a genuinely beautiful healing experience the last few weeks of her life which I spent with her in the ICU. I have grieved so much for the relationship I always wished we had, and for my mother since she passed. It’s a deep wound when the person who really ought to have your back more than anyone, is the person going for your jugular. Sending you lots of love and hugs, feel free to message me if you ever want to talk 🤍
You were one of the writers here who inspired me to talk about this openly. Your brave and honest posts about your experiences made me realize that the more of us who speak out, the less alone in this pain we are. I am glad that you were able to have that healing with your mom in the end. I always say that if it gets to the point where its an end-of-life situation, that is a bridge I will cross if and when I come to it. Thank you <3
Ally, you bring up a really good point - mourning the mother you wish you’d had is a big deal, and worthy of many therapy sessions!
Writing a whole memoir about it lol 🤍
I’ll be first in line to buy it!
Awww thank you so much 🤍🤍🤍
Thank you!
My experience is similar w/o the addict component and physical abuse. So I never felt like it was that bad or that it was anything but me. But from an early age, I knew that I wasn’t getting what I needed. I’ll never forget coming down to breakfast when I was about 5 and her telling me she had a nightmare. In it, I chose to stay at a carnival with the man next door and not go home with her. I couldn’t believe that was a nightmare for her, I never felt wanted by her. If I said that, I was the one with the problem.
Fast forward to two different great therapists, both of whom asked if she is borderline. After the second one said it, I read about it, and the part about them not being diagnosed because they can’t handle it rang so true and explained why going to a therapist was a childhood threat.
A couple of years ago, my father who I adore but who is codependent, received a horrible diagnosis. It sent her back to her worst behaviors and after a bad blowup, I just said to contact me when she’s ready. I haven’t heard from her since. Gifts are returned or regifted to me. Her family has stopped speaking to me, and I’m ok with that, too. Every word I said would go back to her and then there’d be consequences.
I hope she thinks it’s her decision because it has given me the space to begin healing and I’m not going to give that up. I dread the day I get a call about having to deal with something - her inability to care for herself or my dad’s death.
That’s why I also appreciated your point about grieving. I’ve grieved, and while it’s like any grief, there are odd times it pops up, but I’m now at peace. But I know I’m already going to have to grieve again. And on top of all kinds of things that are unfair, that is the unfairness of all.
Thanks again for talking about something that many people don’t understand or condone. It’s nice to not be the only one.
The most insidious thing about emotional abuse is that it doesn't make itself obvious. There was physical abuse in my home, but it really didn't happen with alarming frequency, and also that was a sign the argument had gone wayyy too far (and usually ended it). In a way, I preferred stuff like that over the emotional abuse.
First, let me say that I am profoundly sad for your childhood experiences. I also grew up walking on eggshells. You never knew who you were going to get. It’s such a learning process to understand that there are good things that your mother gave you, along with the absolutely awful, terrible, unforgivable things. For a long time in therapy I was able to look at the situation objectively. She did the best she could with the tools she had. HOWEVER, that does not excuse the pain and suffering she caused. My mother was the child of a narcissistic mother and a physically and sexually abusive father. They had 3 kids before my grandmother was 20. Match made in hell. My aunt fled to the convent at 13 and my uncle went to the army. My mother stayed. She grew up to be the perfectionist, and after her brother died tragically young, the rage she carried around was palpable. She would routinely call me a list of words that I shall not repeat because it took me so long to erase that tape playing in my head. She was a teetotaler, except for pina coladas in the summer time. Everything was controlled to within an inch of my life. Or else.
She didn’t hit me much, but she didn’t have to. Her favorite thing to say was “I’ll kill you!”
We went toe to toe for my entire adolescence and beyond. And I had a SHITLOAD of therapy, since I was a teenager. Some therapists are definitely better than others, and I have found that hypnotherapy was extraordinarily helpful. I have also used other modalities - Karena of Hello Inner Light has done some incredible somatic work with me. I highly recommend her, if you’re interested.
I grew up with no boundaries - a super enmeshed family. Holidays were a roulette of who would yell, who would cry, and who would leave. Thankfully, my mother has done a lot of work on herself and recognizes when her need to control things is harming everyone… sometimes. I still have to ground myself when I go see them. I live 25 minutes away, and that’s considered far. My sister lives literally down the street from my parents.
I am fortunate in many respects - things could have been SO MUCH WORSE. But they were bad. They were harmful. And I also chose not to have kids to end the cycle. I could see many of the traits of my mother in me, and I did not want to inflict that on anyone else, especially a child who had no recourse.
Sending you much love in your healing journey. The C-PTSD book was an excellent resource. Once I graduate next week, The Body Keeps the Score is on my list to read over the summer - light reading, you know!
I’ll be 50 in the fall, and all I can say is that I wouldn’t be who I am without the good and the bad. Many people have it better and worse. It doesn’t make our pain less important to acknowledge. If you want a new internet friend, I’m here!
Thank you so much for sharing. I now what you mean, that feeling of “it could have been worse”. What I always remember is that for us it was bad, and that just because you have more things than some doesn’t mean you didn’t suffer. For example, some very wealthy children often experience horrendous abuse, but people disregard it because their material needs are met.
We have this in common. Including not continuing this pattern with children of our own. I’m sorry we share this, but your writing also makes me feel less alone. Thank you for putting this into the world.
Thank you so much for reading. I’m so sorry we are in the same shitty boat, but your comment makes ME feel less alone, so thank you. ❤️❤️❤️
Solidarity. I was estranged from my narc mother for ten years, which made my life a lot easier. Then she died, which really made things better for me!
NPD is just...the worst case scenario for a child. It really is. <3
Choosing estrangment is incredibly brave and courageous, I chose it with both my father and sister and therapy was a lifeline for me through that process ❤️🫶🏼
This is similar to me. It's very difficult. But what resonated for me was how other people would be SHOCKED to see how the parent/sibling acted privately. I love that the wonderful bits were acknowledged here, and also the part about saying, "Well, my pain isn't as bad as Sinead's b/c she was literally locked out of her house." It makes you feel like you're overreacting, kind of. So many things in this piece were so spot on.
Thank you! I am glad that you, your dad and your sister are in it together. My brother and I have supported each other through it, and it helps.
Oh, my response was confusing sorry! I am estranged myself from my father & sister for similar reasons as yours. My father has passed away now which has been a relief
Or I misread bc my meds haven’t kicked in and I need more coffee 🤣 I’m sorry you had to choose this with your sister too. I’m also estranged from my father but that’s a WHOLE OTHER story….
My therapist’s fave Q — would you accept this behaviour from a friend/colleague?
The HELL NO helps with that decision 🙂
YEP.
The longer I’m estranged from my father the healthier I feel. Breaking out of the child bondage I felt is so incredibly freeing. We deserve to be happy. If that means no contact then so be it! Trauma healing gives us a second chance ❤️
Thank you! And yes, I am definitely healthier than I was a decade ago.
Thank you, it took me a while to read because I kept crying. I am the eldest daughter of 5 children and I also had a mother who was abusive; mentally, emotionally, and physically - at least to me. My siblings much less so, my experience was so bad that my baby sister told me once that she wished I’d had HER mother. Mom died 22 years ago so I never got any closure or understanding from her or a chance - I still grieve that. My relationship with her is so much better now but I still grieve the loss of my Mom and wonder about her trauma.
I am so sorry you had to go through that. Your siblings are lucky to have you, even if this was in no way your job.
Thank you (yes, tears are still flowing).
“A part of me will always love my mother. I know that my mother believes that she loved me, but the version of love that I grew up with was obsessive, smothering, transactional, and conditional.”
This. This right here is an arrow to my soul. Thank you for your story. I feel seen.
❤️ ❤️❤️❤️
I could have written this myself. Thank you for writing it and making me feel less alone. 🩵
Thank you for reading and for commenting. There are so many of us here, it’s overwhelming to know how many of us suffered in silence.
Beautiful piece, thank you. Going no contact is so difficult but necessary for some of us. I find Dr. Ramani's podcast, "Navigating Narcissism" very helpful for my own situation. I LOVE this song. I always thought it was a love song until I learned more about Sinead O'Connor's experience of her Mother's abuse. Her pain is so palpable in her voice.
Thank you! I will check that podcast out for sure.