I wasn’t planning on an end of year post, but early this morning I felt compelled to write as we close the book on this incredibly challenging year we have all just lived through. I will keep it brief, as I am still figuring out what direction I am taking this Substack in the New Year, and that’s involving a lot of thinking (imagine smoke coming out of my ears). Also I may have started a new play. Oops.
I see a lot of this sentiment being shared, but I just want to reiterate: YOU MADE IT. Even if all you did this year was get through it. Even if all you did was survive. Even all you have to show for this year is that you put your feet on the floor and got out of bed this morning. Give yourself a lot of credit.
The most surprising part of 2024 was entering my Villain Era. I didn’t really “enter” it as much as I was SHOVED into it by a set of grubby hands on my back on the morning of November 6th. “Entered” sounds graceful, planned, very demure and mindful. I looked around at my life and went “what the hell have I been doing?”. There has been nothing demure or mindful about it. In fact, I have no zero desire to be demure. Maybe ever again.
That’s not to say I decided to blow up my life, change my name, move to Spain, and start over again (TEMPTING THO). It’s more that I realized that I was accepting and tolerating things that I should never have accepted or tolerated. I was devaluing myself to keep the peace. I was overcompensating for the faulty beliefs I was raised to have. I was trying to be a good girl.
And for what? Where the hell did that get us? Where did that ever get women, really?
I know I am not alone. The mantra of 2024 - from nearly every single woman I know - was “I have had it”. When this country turned around and said “you know what, we don’t care if women die or suffer because milk is expensive”, I think something broke inside of us. I think we all took a look around at our lives and started to see those who care about us and those who don’t with blinding clarity.
In 2025, I am making one resolution, and it is for myself. I will not accept any less than I deserve. I don’t want any less than people who are happy for me when I have successes, are there for me when I fail, and who support me in my goals. I refuse to walk on eggshells, participate in the Trauma Olympics, or make myself smaller.
Learning to stand up for yourself is harder than anyone tells you. It’s not about yelling or screaming, or about being loud and demanding. It’s about finding your self respect and listening to that inner voice. It’s about recognizing patterns and letting go when you need to let go. It’s not saying no to others, its saying yes to yourself and your hard earned wisdom and experience. It’s taken me 43 years to trust myself. I am no longer petrified of being alone. I crave solitude sometimes now, something I could never handle before, and I know that if I had to be alone, I could do it. I am glad that I don’t have to be.
So many things are different. Some are the same. Some are going to change because I am going to change them. I won’t let life just happen to me anymore because change is scary.
Change is hard, painful, and necessary. Lately, I can’t stop thinking about this scene from Angels in America by Tony Kushner (my favorite play on earth, probably):
Harper:
In your experience of the world. How do people change?
Mormon Mother:Well it has something to do with God so it's not very nice. God splits the skin with a jagged thumbnail from throat to belly and then plunges a huge filthy hand in, he grabs hold of your bloody tubes and they slip to evade his grasp but he squeezes hard, he insists, he pulls and pulls till all your innards are yanked out and the pain! We can't even talk about that. And then he stuffs them back, dirty, tangled and torn. It's up to you to do the stitching.
Harper:And then up you get. And walk around.
Mormon Mother:Just mangled guts pretending.
Harper:That's how people change.
2024 was a weird one y’all.
But 2025 is about to get WEIRDER.
It is difficult to ignore that Biden is only going to be president for three more weeks, and then we have to do this AGAIN WITH THIS GUY. AGAIN. On top of that, Space Karen is the acting VP. We haven’t even heard a single thing about what Couch Fucker is doing. It would be funny if it weren’t so terrifying. It’s unbearable to think about it.
So, I’m trying not to think about it. For the next two days, at least. The dread is hard to fight, but until January 20th arrives, there’s no sense in expending our energy on fear and despair. We’re gonna need every ounce of energy we have to get through this.
Think about the bright spots. Hold onto them. Think about the people who are going to need you. Hold onto them, too. Think about the people you need, the ones who love you, the ones who have proven that to you. It’s okay for the circle to be smaller.
Most of all, find safety in yourself. Build your own fortress. Create a space that’s safe and supportive in your own body, whatever that looks like for you. Build a place you can return to, again and again.
See you all next year.
xo
KBQ
they say you were something in those formative years
So hold onto nothing as fast as you can
well. still.
Pretty good year
Listened to Tori on repeat for much of November!
This Christmas I was not"merry", and this new year will not be "happy". This last year(ish) has been terrible, personally. I lost three of my beloved pets to various illnesses, which broke my heart 💔💔💔.
I lost my job (laid off), with a company that is very dependent on government related work (Medicare, Headstart, etc.), and it's been tough finding something acceptable in this political environment, especially.
The day after Christmas I contracted COVID, for the fourth time since 2020, so no family new year's gathering. The silence is deafening.
Yet every morning as I wake, I hold out hope that this election fraud will be recognized and all well be made right, at least politically. But I'm losing faith.