And yes yes yes to your point about dehumanization. I think about this a lot. I don’t think it serves us to think of abusers as flat monsters. It may make it easier to cope in the short term - to other them so intensely in an effort to get your brain to separate yourself from them - but in the long term it results in this separation between abusers and “normal people”. It’s a lot to unpack.
I cut off my own mother ffs so I certainly support cutting someone off. But just because it’s not healthy to have her in my life doesn’t mean she isn’t a human to me. That’s part of why it’s so hard.
I agree so much! It's helpful in the short term and I think that's part of why it's so prevalent. Sometimes, especially if an abusive person's whims and emotions have been ruling your life, you need to be able to say "it doesn't matter what they think and feel, I need to take care of myself" and the quickest way to justify someone's thoughts and feelings not mattering is to label them as a problem instead of a person. I do think it's an understandable and often useful impulse, but I think it's also pretty evident that dehumanizing wide swathes of people is both unhelpful on a cultural level and also ultimately makes it harder to identify people behaving abusively towards others after you've already accepted them as a full, complex person with good qualities.
Thank you for this tangent. I have struggled for decades with trying to categorize my mother’s behavior as either a product of her mental illness or just plain old garden variety assholery. I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter as she will not take ownership of either possibility.
Years of working on airplanes helped me get it….I certainly have more compassion for someone who flips out mid flight who’s dealing with PTSD than someone who mixed their anxiety meds with a quart of bourbon. But the outcome is the same, as their ability to do harm in the situation is the same. It’s a serious bitch to reprogram yourself out of destructive behavior even with help, but if you don’t even try, I have no sympathy for you pulling out your Mentally Unfit card to smooth things over. And ugh to everyone using therapy words to describe every negative experience.
(This rant brought to you by six days in a row on the dirty bird)
God I cannot imagine working on an airplane in these times. I literally remind people that flight attendants are not waiters - they are responsible for your safety. The soda service is just a tiny part of it. and not that anyone should be disrespectful to waiters either!!! I can’t imagine behaving that way towards anyone!
I get what you mean though - of course i have empathy for a PTSD reaction (been there!). It’s more the “oh yeah I got shitcanned on an airplane and broke stuff and I’m not sorry bc I stand in my truth”. It’s like um no 😂
It’s a real mess of Trump issuing everyone an asshole card in 2016 followed by the last 9 years causing any sentient human to lose their mind. Bad coleslaw 🤪 I tend to fall back on the gospel according to Ice Cube…check yourself before you wreck yourself.
(Perky from Unf here, love that our paths keep crossing.)
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. One of the things that upsets me as a trend is the way the weaponization of mental health can be so self-destructive, too, and is so in-the-pocket of big financial interests. It really feels like the big companies of the world are encouraging us to cut off ties with our communities and rely on them exclusively for socialization, with influencers and wellness gurus as their lackeys to make that happen. The language around setting boundaries, removing toxicity, being isolative and inconsiderate as a virtue, cutting someone off after one red flag* or even just an "ick" because you owe them nothing, about self-care as something you buy on an app or by going to an expensive spa or by just staying home and passively absorbing Content...it makes me think that social media companies' dream world is one where we consider all our in-person relationships transactional and without value so that it's easier to sell us an "empowering" product or service to fight the loneliness while we bedrot.
I also think that frequently the language of mental health is used to dehumanize others. That person isn't a full human being, they're just a narcissist/abuser/dark empath/energy vampire/toxic. Their humanity is boiled down to the worst things they did to you and everyone owes their allegiance to your experience lest they be accused of siding with an abuser. Naturally, this language is so easy for people who ARE abusive to hijack and use to isolate their victims. But it also just gives us a really flat view of other human beings that doesn't consider their full personhood.
*I support cutting people off that hurt you or pose a threat! I've cut people off myself after abusive behavior. I don't think victims of abuse owe the people who abused them their time, forgiveness, resources or interaction, but I do think it's not particularly useful to, implicitly or not, forget that people are still people.
HIIIIII!!!!
And yes yes yes to your point about dehumanization. I think about this a lot. I don’t think it serves us to think of abusers as flat monsters. It may make it easier to cope in the short term - to other them so intensely in an effort to get your brain to separate yourself from them - but in the long term it results in this separation between abusers and “normal people”. It’s a lot to unpack.
I cut off my own mother ffs so I certainly support cutting someone off. But just because it’s not healthy to have her in my life doesn’t mean she isn’t a human to me. That’s part of why it’s so hard.
I agree so much! It's helpful in the short term and I think that's part of why it's so prevalent. Sometimes, especially if an abusive person's whims and emotions have been ruling your life, you need to be able to say "it doesn't matter what they think and feel, I need to take care of myself" and the quickest way to justify someone's thoughts and feelings not mattering is to label them as a problem instead of a person. I do think it's an understandable and often useful impulse, but I think it's also pretty evident that dehumanizing wide swathes of people is both unhelpful on a cultural level and also ultimately makes it harder to identify people behaving abusively towards others after you've already accepted them as a full, complex person with good qualities.
Thank you for this tangent. I have struggled for decades with trying to categorize my mother’s behavior as either a product of her mental illness or just plain old garden variety assholery. I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter as she will not take ownership of either possibility.
Years of working on airplanes helped me get it….I certainly have more compassion for someone who flips out mid flight who’s dealing with PTSD than someone who mixed their anxiety meds with a quart of bourbon. But the outcome is the same, as their ability to do harm in the situation is the same. It’s a serious bitch to reprogram yourself out of destructive behavior even with help, but if you don’t even try, I have no sympathy for you pulling out your Mentally Unfit card to smooth things over. And ugh to everyone using therapy words to describe every negative experience.
(This rant brought to you by six days in a row on the dirty bird)
God I cannot imagine working on an airplane in these times. I literally remind people that flight attendants are not waiters - they are responsible for your safety. The soda service is just a tiny part of it. and not that anyone should be disrespectful to waiters either!!! I can’t imagine behaving that way towards anyone!
I get what you mean though - of course i have empathy for a PTSD reaction (been there!). It’s more the “oh yeah I got shitcanned on an airplane and broke stuff and I’m not sorry bc I stand in my truth”. It’s like um no 😂
It’s a real mess of Trump issuing everyone an asshole card in 2016 followed by the last 9 years causing any sentient human to lose their mind. Bad coleslaw 🤪 I tend to fall back on the gospel according to Ice Cube…check yourself before you wreck yourself.
(Perky from Unf here, love that our paths keep crossing.)
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. One of the things that upsets me as a trend is the way the weaponization of mental health can be so self-destructive, too, and is so in-the-pocket of big financial interests. It really feels like the big companies of the world are encouraging us to cut off ties with our communities and rely on them exclusively for socialization, with influencers and wellness gurus as their lackeys to make that happen. The language around setting boundaries, removing toxicity, being isolative and inconsiderate as a virtue, cutting someone off after one red flag* or even just an "ick" because you owe them nothing, about self-care as something you buy on an app or by going to an expensive spa or by just staying home and passively absorbing Content...it makes me think that social media companies' dream world is one where we consider all our in-person relationships transactional and without value so that it's easier to sell us an "empowering" product or service to fight the loneliness while we bedrot.
I also think that frequently the language of mental health is used to dehumanize others. That person isn't a full human being, they're just a narcissist/abuser/dark empath/energy vampire/toxic. Their humanity is boiled down to the worst things they did to you and everyone owes their allegiance to your experience lest they be accused of siding with an abuser. Naturally, this language is so easy for people who ARE abusive to hijack and use to isolate their victims. But it also just gives us a really flat view of other human beings that doesn't consider their full personhood.
*I support cutting people off that hurt you or pose a threat! I've cut people off myself after abusive behavior. I don't think victims of abuse owe the people who abused them their time, forgiveness, resources or interaction, but I do think it's not particularly useful to, implicitly or not, forget that people are still people.
Definitely not an excuse but it can be an explanation.
Yes and I make that point. It’s context.
Yupp, I know.