Wow. This made me think of a few people I knew back in high school who were going through hellish times not unlike like these — and how oblivious I was at the time to their immense struggles and to their daily courage.
My family wasn’t at all religious, but we celebrated Christmas. My parents always worked hard to make it something special and memorable. So holiday stress for me is less about past trauma and more about my neurodivergent struggles to remember all the moving parts and not to spend all my money and to try — mostly in vain — to send cards and/or gifts in a timely way. My partner has, by contrast, a lot of pain and trauma around the holidays, and it’s often hard to find a balance that honors both of our experiences. But I found your way of handling it inspiring — which could sound like I’m minimizing the struggle, but that’s not what I mean. It’s that you’re seeing this dark and heavy time for what it is and you’re making good use out of it for yourself on your own terms. Even if it’s just about surviving it. It doesn’t *have* to be a celebratory time.
Thank you so much. And yes, this year (partially because of my diagnosis and partially because A Bitch Has Had It) I decided to stop forcing myself. To just stop. It's gonna be a witchy solstice for me vs. a jolly holiday.
Oh Kari, it's hard enough to deal with Christmas when your family doesn't look like the commercials and it's hard enough to be 17 without any other negative factors. That situation was toxic AF and GOOD FOR YOU for being a bad ass who scared people to protect your sibling. You deserve to do yoga and read and paint and PROTECT YOURSELF every holiday season. I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself and kooky kittens as a priority. True crime is a good distraction if you're into it. Sending you hugs in solidarity as another holiday hater. ❤️
Thank you, love! I am really fine - more fine than I've been because I didn't go anywhere! - but its always really hard. And normal Life Hard feels HARDER in December. Cheers to you!
I really like how you are handling this holiday season, with a change and I hope it worked for you. I’m glad that you are being realistic about the toxic childhood experiences, but also not letting it label you or define you. I’m sure it does at times, it’s a constant battle, but you recognize the truth and you know what helps and you’re trying to do those things.
I can’t say I had a bad childhood, mine was actually pretty sweet other than being super poor. However, it was rich with love and good energy. Oh, there were a few things… A brother that molested me when I was adolescent and developing. Nevertheless, it was overall supportive. However, somehow, in adulthood, having never been around alcohol alcoholism ( I thought) got into a marriage that turned physically abusive and chronic alcoholism. I did not see the warning signs, having not lived that life. I learned a lot in a very short time, and when I finally snapped and turned into a bad ass that my daughter could be proud of, I tackled him and knocked him, head over heels and landed on top of him with both of us holding onto the hatchet that he was about to strike me in the head with. Remembering this moment makes me really appreciate how you stood up to your folks and your grandparents and protected your little brother like a real badass in a good way.
I grew up with an alcoholic mom, manic depressive co dependent dad, and a host of toxic abusive relatives. I, too, was the adult and caretaker. I so strongly relate to your story and your feelings about this time of the year. Good for you for finding a peaceful way through. ♥️
As someone else who's told a therapist a story from childhood that got me That Look (I'm betting you know the one), I hear you with every part of my heart. I'm so glad your friends were there for you. I'm so glad you're still here. None of this should have happened to you. The adults in your life failed you miserably and thoroughly. It's also so hard to be in a horrible family at Christmas when everyone else seems to be happy. (Many of them aren't, but when we're kids we don't know that.)
I'm glad you're doing self-care this month. I hope it brings you peace.
Oh yeah I tossed this story off like I was putting an order in at Starbucks and my therapist was like 😬😬😬. And thank you - I know so many of us have fucked up stories and it’s much easier when we share. ❤️❤️❤️
I can relate to this. November was so anxiety-ridden for me, I finally gave up my decades-long 3-4 coffees a day habit. Warning: coffee withdrawal brings on a different kind of anxiety which took me 2 weeks to get through. But it was absolutely necessary.
Like you, I have a history of heightened anxiety at this time of year. It’s like a perfect storm of the wrong kind. I wish you and all who struggle with this the peace and tranquility you deserve.
Many of us have Christmas horror stories. It sucks. It took me until I was nearly suicidal to say "NO". That year I packed myself, my husband and my son off to the beach (my escape place as the parents hated it) and actually enjoyed myself. I have set boundaries now and will not allow myself to be drawn into the madness. Telling the truth sets you free, but will piss you off first. thank you!
It's like...take the darkest, most depressing time of the year, throw everyone together with loads of alcohol and family drama....what could go wrong?!?!?!?
I'm so sorry. It's incredibly painful and frustrating to have serious trauma related to the holidays and have people tell you year after year that you're being a downer or try to force "holiday cheer" down your throat. To be made to feel like you're doing something wrong if it's not the most wonderful time of year for you and you do everything possible to ignore it all and just wait for it to pass. I'm glad that this year, you're doing what's right for you and not feeling any pressure to pretend this time of year is anything but what it actually is for you.
Wow. This made me think of a few people I knew back in high school who were going through hellish times not unlike like these — and how oblivious I was at the time to their immense struggles and to their daily courage.
My family wasn’t at all religious, but we celebrated Christmas. My parents always worked hard to make it something special and memorable. So holiday stress for me is less about past trauma and more about my neurodivergent struggles to remember all the moving parts and not to spend all my money and to try — mostly in vain — to send cards and/or gifts in a timely way. My partner has, by contrast, a lot of pain and trauma around the holidays, and it’s often hard to find a balance that honors both of our experiences. But I found your way of handling it inspiring — which could sound like I’m minimizing the struggle, but that’s not what I mean. It’s that you’re seeing this dark and heavy time for what it is and you’re making good use out of it for yourself on your own terms. Even if it’s just about surviving it. It doesn’t *have* to be a celebratory time.
Thank you so much. And yes, this year (partially because of my diagnosis and partially because A Bitch Has Had It) I decided to stop forcing myself. To just stop. It's gonna be a witchy solstice for me vs. a jolly holiday.
I hope it was exactly what you needed it to be. :)
Oh Kari, it's hard enough to deal with Christmas when your family doesn't look like the commercials and it's hard enough to be 17 without any other negative factors. That situation was toxic AF and GOOD FOR YOU for being a bad ass who scared people to protect your sibling. You deserve to do yoga and read and paint and PROTECT YOURSELF every holiday season. I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself and kooky kittens as a priority. True crime is a good distraction if you're into it. Sending you hugs in solidarity as another holiday hater. ❤️
Thank you, love! I am really fine - more fine than I've been because I didn't go anywhere! - but its always really hard. And normal Life Hard feels HARDER in December. Cheers to you!
I really like how you are handling this holiday season, with a change and I hope it worked for you. I’m glad that you are being realistic about the toxic childhood experiences, but also not letting it label you or define you. I’m sure it does at times, it’s a constant battle, but you recognize the truth and you know what helps and you’re trying to do those things.
I can’t say I had a bad childhood, mine was actually pretty sweet other than being super poor. However, it was rich with love and good energy. Oh, there were a few things… A brother that molested me when I was adolescent and developing. Nevertheless, it was overall supportive. However, somehow, in adulthood, having never been around alcohol alcoholism ( I thought) got into a marriage that turned physically abusive and chronic alcoholism. I did not see the warning signs, having not lived that life. I learned a lot in a very short time, and when I finally snapped and turned into a bad ass that my daughter could be proud of, I tackled him and knocked him, head over heels and landed on top of him with both of us holding onto the hatchet that he was about to strike me in the head with. Remembering this moment makes me really appreciate how you stood up to your folks and your grandparents and protected your little brother like a real badass in a good way.
I grew up with an alcoholic mom, manic depressive co dependent dad, and a host of toxic abusive relatives. I, too, was the adult and caretaker. I so strongly relate to your story and your feelings about this time of the year. Good for you for finding a peaceful way through. ♥️
Oh gosh. Yeah, so you know all about this struggle! Peace to you and yours for the season. Lord knows our inner children deserve it. <3
As someone else who's told a therapist a story from childhood that got me That Look (I'm betting you know the one), I hear you with every part of my heart. I'm so glad your friends were there for you. I'm so glad you're still here. None of this should have happened to you. The adults in your life failed you miserably and thoroughly. It's also so hard to be in a horrible family at Christmas when everyone else seems to be happy. (Many of them aren't, but when we're kids we don't know that.)
I'm glad you're doing self-care this month. I hope it brings you peace.
Oh yeah I tossed this story off like I was putting an order in at Starbucks and my therapist was like 😬😬😬. And thank you - I know so many of us have fucked up stories and it’s much easier when we share. ❤️❤️❤️
I can relate to this. November was so anxiety-ridden for me, I finally gave up my decades-long 3-4 coffees a day habit. Warning: coffee withdrawal brings on a different kind of anxiety which took me 2 weeks to get through. But it was absolutely necessary.
Like you, I have a history of heightened anxiety at this time of year. It’s like a perfect storm of the wrong kind. I wish you and all who struggle with this the peace and tranquility you deserve.
🫂
hugs back at you!
Many of us have Christmas horror stories. It sucks. It took me until I was nearly suicidal to say "NO". That year I packed myself, my husband and my son off to the beach (my escape place as the parents hated it) and actually enjoyed myself. I have set boundaries now and will not allow myself to be drawn into the madness. Telling the truth sets you free, but will piss you off first. thank you!
It's like...take the darkest, most depressing time of the year, throw everyone together with loads of alcohol and family drama....what could go wrong?!?!?!?
Continue to be gentle with yourself.
It's not easy, but I'm trying!
I'm so sorry. It's incredibly painful and frustrating to have serious trauma related to the holidays and have people tell you year after year that you're being a downer or try to force "holiday cheer" down your throat. To be made to feel like you're doing something wrong if it's not the most wonderful time of year for you and you do everything possible to ignore it all and just wait for it to pass. I'm glad that this year, you're doing what's right for you and not feeling any pressure to pretend this time of year is anything but what it actually is for you.
Thank you <3
Nice