Election Day Coverage: Cat HQ
Dispatches from Annie and Talula
I have left Election Day Coverage to the experts - my cats. This was dictated to me after they inhaled their Fancy Feast.
If you are a person who thinks anyone who writes in the voice of their cats is the sign of a person who is nuts, well, you hit that subscribe button in the first place so I don’t know what to tell you.
Hang in there, y’all. BTW - last day to upgrade to a paid subscription and 10% goes to reproductive rights!
I’m also working on a “pay what you can” tier but ADHD so give me a second.
Annie
HENRO. It is me, your favorite hauspanther Annie! Mommy says its a “big day” and it sure is because there is a bird on the fire escape.
Anyway I was told to give my thoughts on the world so here they are.
Last month Talula caught a mouse and she got Churu for it. I did see the mouse i just am not as fast as sissy and mom says that is because the vet said i am a little chubby. DON’T BODY SHAME ME OK
Mom gave me a Churu anyway but sissy got the fish one and I was real jealous. Turns out that part of the reason i am a little bald on the back of my legs and my FUPA and stuff is because mom says I am allergic. She had to do elimination diets or something which means she eliminated my Churu FOR A WHOLE WEEK but then she gave me back the Churu and said i cant have fish anymore which super sucks but i can have chicken and cheese which is my favorite so that’s okay i guess. Last time I had fish i got bumps and chewed on my legs for an hour and being itchy SUCKS but I would eat the fish Churu again 10/10.
Anyway mom has been real sad and talking real loud. One day she didn’t feel good and stayed home which means it was the best day ever. I snuggled with her for like ten minutes and then ignored her and slept on the chair. She seemed mad about that but when she is home I am so calm i don’t even need snuggles!
But then later on i snuggled with her for tv time with daddy and she ate a whole cheesesteak and she didn’t even give me any of her cheese. Rude.
anyway everything else is fine because its the windows are open and that means I can hunt all day long except that dumb thing is in the way, but one day I will claw it open even though mom yells at me when i try
I don’t know what a president is.
Okay bye!
Talula
Greetings from Tiny Tabby HQ. Tiny Tabby - or Tiny Tabs - is what mother calls me and she finds herself very entertaining because she laughs at me. I don’t think its funny.
Mom also laughs at me when I eat Churu because she says my ears go way back and my eyes get big, and to that I say why don’t you enjoy your food more? you eat it and stare at that big glowy thing that sometimes has other cats on it. I don’t know how those cats get in the big glowy thing or why mom gets so excited to look at them when she has a cat RIGHT HERE.
Daddy betrayed me because he made up a song and sang it to me when he is well aware that I HATE SINGING.1 He also betrayed me by making me move from my comfy spot on the couch because he needed to “grade” whatever that is. Can’t he grade on the floor? I do things on the floor all the time. Why are humans so dumb.
Mom has been home a lot lately. Sometimes she stays home for days in a row and its nice because I hate it when no one is here, even though she annoys me. We’re cool as long as she doesn’t try to pick me up. I really hate being picked up and every time Mom does it i shove my paw directly into her mouth. Eat litter, bitch.
The humans are tense and keep saying things like “this fucking election” and I am not sure what an election is but it sounds bad. I don’t know why they do it if it makes them angry? Humans are confusing. They do things they hate all the time. I don’t do ANYTHING I hate unless mom makes me like that time she made me go in the cat carrier and people did weird stuff to my face.
Anyway as far as this election thing goes I hope its over soon so the humans can calm down a little. Mom had some of that weird purple stuff that smells funny and cried watching some lady talk on TV. They need to chill the fuck out and get back to the important stuff like giving me whatever I want.
Mom said Republicans hate cats. I don’t know what a Republican is but whoever doesn’t hate cats has my vote.
I have stuff to do so good luck or whatever.
Election Day Reading Rainbow and Other Stuff!
Here are some posts I loved recently (Annie and Talula can’t read) to soothe your mind/make you freak out/whatever:
Donald Trump is a Professional Wrestling Promoter by
- We have discussed this very issue in our home for years and I’m so glad he’s writing it all down. who has fast become one of my favorite writers on Substack. (because who doesn’t need to binge carbs right now) - fist pumped when I read this one!The Story of this Election is the Story of Women’s Anger by the inimitable
- FUCK YEAH IT IS who doesn’t know it yet but is absolutely getting a cocktail with me next time I am in Chicago. - a great post with MORE CATS.and
My friend Melissa has been without hot water for a year, because we live in a country where cascading financial disasters can happen to any of us. If you have a few bucks left after political donations drained us all dry (I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE TEXTS TO STOP), please consider throwing a few bucks her way.
https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-melissas-essential-hot-water-need
I am sending so much love to you all today. I won’t say we’re going to be okay no matter what, because we all know what’s at stake, but what I do know is that I am so grateful for your patience and community over the last few months.
As Dory from Finding Nemo would say…
Just keep swimming.
Talula hates singing. Any kind of singing. Good singing, bad singing, she fuckin’ HATES IT. Her ears go back and she gets very pissy about it. This is unfortunate, since making up songs to sing to our cats is one of our favorite pasttimes.
I love the cat commentary and my Lovebug ALSO thinks she’s a great coworker by sitting on my printer. This made me smile tonight when I am trying to unclench my jaw with an hour left until polls close in NC.
Thanks for the share. Honestly forgot I included the boys 🐈 🐈 in my post. Also, Finding Nemo is my favorite dental documentary.