Dissociation Station
All aboard the crazy train of the next 19 days!
I hope this post finds you safe and well. 1
The election is less than three weeks away, and I think reality is setting in for a lot of us. Everything is crazy right now (for evidence, see the Tangerine Shitlord’s bizarre dance party), but life is still happening to us all.
I’ve actually had a good few weeks, and this past weekend was especially awesome. My best friend was in town with her husband and four year old daughter. We had a blast, but it was action packed, and the four year old is amazing but she is a LOT. It never ceases to amaze me how much energy children have. I don’t know how parents do it. I take longer to recover from Big Social Weekends now, and that’s okay. I had Monday off work, so I did nothing2, and it was what I needed.
I also felt sad, because I miss my bestie, and it was so nice having her around. We used to live a few blocks from each other in Astoria (she is a big part of the reason we moved there!), but she moved to Chicago for law school in 2009 and stayed. We walked all around together, reminiscing at our old haunts, and even had a girl’s night where we went to a wine bar and saw a show. We have been friends for more than 20 years. I’m so proud of the amazing life and career she built for herself in Chicago. I just wish she lived a little closer.
On Tuesday, I returned to the office. I woke up in pitch darkness, thinking it was 4 am. It was 6:45. I had to be at work by 8. I hate when this happens. So that is how my day started and it low key sucked for the rest of the day. I was enveloped by The Funk. You know The Funk. That haze of being tired, irritable, and annoyed and you can’t shake it off. I even abstained from alcohol and sugar to get my body back on track. Nope.
I realized what was going on. The trauma from the past two elections is living in my body. Even when I am not thinking about it, I am thinking about it. The Pink concert and my best friend visiting were the things I was looking forward to, and they kept me going. Now it’s over, and looking ahead, it feels like an abyss. Election Season and Holiday Season being one after the other is just hateful.
So that means I have arrived at a destination I return to again and again: Dissociation Station.
One thing about me you may not know - I’m a bit of a gamer. I like a bunch of video games, but I have one that I’ve been playing on and off for twenty years, which is The Sims. The Sims is my absolute favorite dissociation activity. It lets me scratch my storytelling itch without actually writing. I’m on the 8th generation of my matriarchal legacy family, and all of them are painters, writers, designers, actors, etc. None of them have the boring business career. At this point they are all rich as hell, too. Generational wealth baybee! During the pandemic, I lived vicariously through them. I couldn’t go out for drinks with friends, but they could.
The EA app has this nasty feature where it tells you how many hours you have played the game. Let’s put it this way: on my deathbed, I will think about how I missed basically six months of my life playing this game. Then again, I probably missed even more of it being on social media, and my Sims can’t harass me, so there is that.
I was playing less for a while, focusing on finishing my play and painting. But now I’m back. There’s no President in their world, which is nice, and it lets me just zone the fuck out for a while. It’s a break from reality, it hurts no one (save my to-do list), and it’s safer for me than doomscrolling.
Election season is a nightmare for everyone, but especially for those of us with ADHD. We are fighting for every scrap of focus. It is so easy to hyper-fixate on the bad stuff and freak ourselves out. I don’t want to get into the dangerous place of obsessing and ruminating until it all dissolves into meaninglessness. I don’t want to despair and panic, and then try and ameliorate it with booze and food and whatever else. I don’t want to do more damage to myself. Losing our democracy will be damage enough, if that comes to pass.
I ask you, my kind readers and supporters, to be patient with me over the next few weeks. I have a couple of long essays in the works, and I am hoping to get them done. I am hoping to record more voiceovers and maybe get the podcast going (I did the one episode and it was fun, but a lot of work, and I need to prioritize). It may not be until after the election, because I do not have the focus to make sure they are in the shape I want them to be in. In fact, the outcome of the election may change those pieces. It’s why I am not working on my play at the moment. I think the results will guide the remaining work.
For all my fellow neurodivergents - this is ROUGH. Hang in there. If you need to check out, check out. At this point, we’re just waiting.
Here are a few suggestions of things for you to do/watch/dissociate in front of on the couch:
Rick Beato interviews Tori Amos
This is a lengthy interview - about 90 minutes - but as a fan who has been long frustrated by the way people choose to interview her, this is one of the best I have seen. Rick’s channel is great in general if you love music. They do a real deep dive on the creative process here.
Will and Harper on Netflix
Other than a sensitive and compelling story of a person coming out as trans later in life, this was one of the most beautiful films about friendship I have ever seen. It was incredibly moving. Will Ferrell is a good dude.
Write Voter Letters
Confession: I signed up for phone banking, but I got SO anxious that I just couldn’t do it. I am hoping to get up the courage. I really hate the phone, and the idea of talking politics with strangers makes me nervous. I rely on body language and visual cues, and I am a much better writer than a speaker, so it’s not my comfort zone.
I am doing what I have done for the past two elections, which is write voter letters by way of Vote Forward. It is an easy process to sign up. You “adopt” voters from certain states - usually swing states - and write letters telling them why you vote, and why they should too. The only cost to you is time, printing, and stamps.
You aren’t supposed to be partisan or endorse any particular candidate, which can be challenging, but we can all agree that voting is important. I try to tailor my letters as best I can by googling the recipient and seeing what I can find out about them - where they live, how old they are, etc. Not a full stalking, just a general idea of what might get through to them. I’m going to write a different note to an 18 year old than to a 50 year old. You also can just have a stock statement you write, and that’s fine too. I just want to feel like I did everything I could.
This isn’t really dissociating, but you can absolutely do this while watching TV on the couch or listening to music. In fact, I recommend it. Taking action and vegging out at the same time is A+++.
What is your favorite dissociation activity and/or what is a thing you are doing that feels manageable right now? Post in the comments!
That’s what I am writing on the bottom of these voter letters. I chose to write letters to voters in North Carolina, and then Hurricane Helene happened. It’s hard to I write my schpiel, and then write “I hope you and your loved ones are safe and well”. I think about if the person I’m writing to still has a house. Or survived. Or if their family is okay.
My idea of “nothing” is flawed, as I fully worked out, wrote, tidied, and worked on my voter letters. However, when more than half my day is spent zoning out, I count that as nothing. You can’t keep a Type A-er down!
I wrote my postcards for Josh Stein last week, I wrote 80ish letters in the last 3 weeks so that felt like a lot—my postcards went to Charlotte, NC. Here in Guilford County I saw hour long waits at early voting. My MIL and parents only waited 15 min at their rec centers near their houses.
I had Covid last week too and watched Nobody Wants This. I’m reading an Olivia Dade novel, At First Spite. I don’t feel like I’m getting anything finished at work. There’s a lot of dissociation.
And on the parent front, I don’t know how we do it either, my kids are 7 and 5 and I’m pretty sure the only reason we survive is we have local grandparents and family who will watch our kids and I’m thankful for the public school system and their wonderful teachers who at least seem like they stay emotionally regulated with my kids. I chaperoned 2 field trips in the last 2 weeks and while it was exhausting, at least I wasn’t at work disassociating and my kids seemed to appreciate my presence.
Thank you for putting into words exactly what I am feeling. May this election put an end to our mass trauma!