Always Crashing in the Same Car
ADHD is often described as having a brain that is a “Ferrari engine with bicycle brakes”. And so, in the face of encroaching fascism, for the past many nights I have woken up in a cold sweat at 4 am. I have tried all the usual things to stay asleep: no booze, sleep gummies, no sleep gummies, yoga, meditation, counting sheep, and my “break glass in case of emergency” anxiety meds (I take .25 mg of Xanax if I have an anxiety attack, and usually don’t use it just for sleep, but I am desperate).
That Ferrari engine is maxed out, and its flying down the highway with nary a care for traffic, laws or signs. The bicycle brakes are unable to stop it until I can take my ADHD meds. The thing about ADHD meds is that while they are absolutely great, they do not work as well if you are underslept, at least for me. They give me function and mood regulation, but that’s about it. Focus? Forget it.
I’ve been here before, riding in my crazed Ferrari brain. I know in the end we will crash. So I’m trying to slow it down, or at least not run every red light. I keep telling myself we don’t know, we still have two weeks, don’t listen to the polls. But my brain is telling me we’re fucked. My pattern recognition skills have told me this before, and sadly, in those instances I wasn’t wrong. However, with all of the disinformation and media slant, how do I know that the patterns my brain is interpreting are correct? I don’t.
As much as I love Substack, the Notes section has become a double edged sword. I am mindlessly scrolling it the way I was on Twitter. I have to stop. I can’t take in this many people’s thoughts and opinions. It’s tossing everything around in my brain like a washing machine on the fritz, spinning and gurgling and getting soap everywhere so all I do is slide around. I can’t seem to get a grip on the ground beneath me.
I’m also rearing for a fight, because my nervous system is in “Fight, Flight or Freeze”, and while I have moments that I freeze, I can’t flee, and fighting feels better than freezing. I have written so many angry words, but I either delete them or put them into a file I have nicknamed “Facebook Graveyard”, which is where I cut and pasted statuses I wrote but never posted. It’s a long, rambling document of misdirected rage. I left Facebook a while ago, but I still put anything I don’t want to post in this document. I don’t read it. Maybe I will one day, when I’m older, and laugh at myself for being such a hothead. But I have to write it out.
Fighting with people on the internet does nothing. In fact, its part of why we are in this fucking mess. It’s why we can’t even have conversations anymore, sometimes even in our own friend groups. I am helplessly watching the same fights, the same rhetoric, and the same attitudes. I know that no matter what happens, that is going to be true, probably for a long time. I have to let it go. I slipped and made a couple of ragey Insta stories yesterday, in part because even here in “safe” NYC, we are not safe. Not even close.
I feel like we’re in the same place as 2016, except worse. I also realize that I am having a trauma reaction, which is another reason I can’t trust my gut. My body is tense and taut. I am tired but can’t sleep. I am picking at my food - you know its bad when I don’t want to eat. Usually I eat too much when I am stressed, but when things feel really dire, I can barely choke down half a sandwich. I am making myself eat, the same way I am making myself put down the wine, the same way I am still exercising, because I know that things can always be worse if I don’t take care of myself.
All of this is to say that I am trying to be kind to myself and patient so I don’t have a full Menty B, as the kids would say. But it’s hard to be kind and patient to anyone when you are exhausted and terrified.
I am so tired of being exhausted and terrified.
So what can I do? I can be a witness to this moment. I can write what I feel and what I fear.
I can only help those I can, when I can.
I started a GoFundMe for an online friend of mine, a fellow ADHD’er, and a person I’ve known for close to 20 years. Long story short, she is having some pretty serious financial issues and her hot water heater was wrecked in a flood. Her insurance wouldn’t cover the replacement, so she has been without hot water for a year. There are assistance programs, but there are a lot of complexities here and so far none of them have panned out.
No one in the particular circle we belong to had any idea that she was in this bad of a situation. I wish I could just fix it for her. I can’t. But if you are so inclined, please check it out and pass it along. We may not be able to stop what’s coming, but maybe she can have hot water this winter.
I definitely think I’m experiencing a trauma response and there’s also a lot of trauma going around in my family anyway- my husband’s uncle got a terminal diagnosis last week, because I’m a lawyer I was tasked with immediately handling POA paperwork, our cat disappeared for almost 24 hours and I sat in my therapist’s office and told her I feel like I’m being trolled. I am sleeping ok but I’m up at 4:55 am nearly every day like clockwork and going to sleep at 9:30 while my kids go to sleep at 9 so my husband and I have very little time together.
This past weekend we went to the mountains for his dad’s bday and the kids fell asleep on the way home and I talked to him about my election stress. He said he’s not worrying because it won’t help and I truly wish I could be more like my husband. He doesn’t get caught in the anxiety spirals like me. I was 30 weeks pregnant when Hillary lost and I keep looking at my almost 8 yo thinking please let us have a different outcome this time—my kid said “We are going to elect our first woman president!” when we walked out of early voting last week and I hope so much that it will come true.
Thank you for the chance to vent.
It’s really hard not to be worried when all the polls and pundits and the candidate herself says they’re neck and neck, and the consequences if she doesn’t win are dire and unthinkable. And yet, of course we can’t help thinking about them. I’m trying to stay positive and hopeful because I know fear and worry won’t change the outcome, and hope feels a lot better. And I guess in my heart I really do think she’s going to win. I have to think that way. I just can’t accept that more people would want what he is offering, and if I’m wrong about that, why suffer now? Thank god this election cycle is almost over. It is exhausting and painful and I just want to get back to a world that feels sane. We haven’t had that since he came down the escalator. I’m not suggesting everything was great before then, but it felt better out in the world, generally speaking. Less open hatred and vitriol. People knew enough to hide their sexism and racism and homophobia. He made it acceptable to be proud of that shit and it’s so sad to miss the days when people looked around and lowered their voices before they told a sexist joke. That’s a low bar to begin with but who knew how low the bar could go? Anyway. Just wanted to send a hug across the interwebs. Hang in there. I’m glad you’re being kind to yourself. Sending lots of love. Let’s hope we have something to celebrate soon 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼