When I was in middle and high school, paying attention in class became more difficult for me. I figured out that taking extensive handwritten notes would keep me engaged in the lesson. My hyperactivity was mostly internal, and writing gave me something to do with my hands. I would often try to create an outline format, and if that wasn’t possible, I would keep a neatly numbered or bulleted list. If my notes were sloppy or not in a good order, I would take the time to rewrite them by hand. Those notebooks also contained various doodles, song lyrics, and ideas for stories. I was able to absorb the information better if I was doing something else while listening. I’m the same way now in meetings. I may be taking notes, or I may be doodling, but if I’m just sitting there, I’m definitely daydreaming.
My love of a list wound up helping me earn money to support myself. I have been an Executive Assistant for twenty years. I did not mean to pursue this line of work, and it certainly wasn’t an aspiration of mine. It happened by accident. I had reached the end of my rope with the service industry after years of waiting tables and bartending, and I was getting increasingly nervous about not having health insurance. With nothing but a theater degree and chutzpah, I went to a temp agency, filled out some paperwork, and within a month found myself seated at a desk at a huge accounting firm learning how to be an EA.
I am good at my job, and because I am good at my job, I have been well compensated for it. I think the novelty of it has helped keep me engaged and productive. No two days are exactly the same, and you get new tasks thrown at you all the time. The only way to keep on top of any of that was maintaining a meticulous to-do list. I keep lists usually in a notebook or planner, they’re almost always handwritten, and nothing satisfies me more than crossing something off.
I have a weekly to-do list, a daily to-do list, and a habit tracker in my paper planner. Every week, I track how many days I do certain habits. A big one lately has been flossing. I never remembered to floss, or I just couldn’t make myself do it. Now I floss almost every single night, and I set a goal of 5 days a week (to be realistic). I do the same thing for other stuff: exercise, yoga, writing, Duolingo, tidying. I feel very satisfied when I hit all my targets for the week.
The problem is that as satisfying as hitting goals can be, I still feel a disproportionate sense of inadequacy and disappointment when I don’t. I have always been motivated and driven, and I always knew I had the potential to be “better” at everything than I was.
There’s a word women with ADHD heard a lot growing up. Potential. How many of us got notes like these on our report card?
Kari is a pleasure to have in class, but sometimes she is distracted, talks out of turn, and makes careless mistakes. She is very bright, but she often is not working up to her potential.
I’ve always been a disciplinarian when it comes to myself. I refer to myself as “Mean Mommy” a lot, because sometimes I have to bargain with myself like you would with a five year old. No, you can’t play a video game until you clean your desk. No, you can’t go to the bar with your friends because you have a play to write. No, you cannot eat an entire bag of Doritos and binge 90 Day Fiancé, you have to exercise. No, you can’t eat ice cream before you cook a healthy dinner. Mean Mommy is all rules and zero fun.
Last week, I was PMSing, and my Adderall just wasn’t Adderalling. There is a reason for this - stimulant medicines have a greater effect when combined with estrogen. Before your period, your estrogen level drops quite a bit, and not only can that reduce your dopamine levels, it makes your medication less effective.
As hard as it is to face, I am fairly sure I am entering perimenopause. I’ve been having some of the symptoms, and I am at the age where the ovaries begin their very long process of closing up shop. Everything Must Go. Many late-diagnosed women have said that they only discovered they had ADHD when their perimenopause or menopause made their symptoms worse. Some women who had been diagnosed with ADHD for years found that they needed to increase their medication dosage.
The good news is - for me, at least - that Adderall still keeps my moods relatively stable, even if my motivation and focus suffers during PMS. And boy, did it ever suffer. Everything I did that week was a struggle. Yoga, which I usually enjoy, felt tedious. Writing was like snorkeling through a lake of Jell-O. Cooking, cleaning, flossing….everything annoyed me. I did not get to put the satisfying little check next to all my habits or tasks that week, and I felt deflated and unmotivated.
What’s worse is that I started hyperfixating on things like my resting heart rate and sleep quality. I use an Apple Watch (and before that, a Fitbit), because not only do I love a list, I love measurable metrics as well. I like to see evidence of my self-improvement, and my self-esteem has historically been so shitty that I like inarguable things like metrics. They’re numbers. They increase or they decrease. Of course, they aren’t telling the whole story, but is is at least something I can see.
I had a reading of part of my new play this past Monday night, and I’d made plans to go to Chicago and hang with my bestie and my niece for a long weekend, returning on Sunday. Old KBQ could never. Traveling used to knock me sideways for at least two days, no matter how easy the trip (I have flown from LGA to ORD more than I can count). However, sometimes you just need a change in routine to give you some motivation. I figured I’d be fine. At the very least, it was a good test of my new tools and skills.
Before I left, I decided to write one goal in my planner for the week: Have a Good Time. I didn’t really do yoga, I didn’t work out, I didn’t do a hell of a lot. I never want to stop enjoying yoga and exercise because I am whipping myself into submission. I also didn’t publish here last week, because I also don’t want this to feel like a chore. I started writing here for enjoyment and to be a part of a conversation, not to make sure I check a little box every week.
I did bring my laptop with me, and got a little writing done on the plane. Other than that, I left work and the lists behind. I left my Apple Watch at home, I didn’t care what I ate or drank, or if I flossed or not, and I focused on relaxing and enjoying myself. I came back rejuvenated - if not a little tired - and ready to work. I was able to be engaged and present in the room with the lovely actors who gave us their time, and boy, that dopamine hit! Nothing in this world makes my brain come alive like being in a room with actors and hearing the words I wrote travel from out of my brain into a physical space. I also knew more than half the people in the room and had worked with them before, so it was a lovely reunion on top of being a hell of a lot of fun.
My process for this play has been so different. It’s the first play I’ve written in full since my diagnosis, and usually I would have been obsessing about it while also paralyzed on the couch and freaking out the whole time. I didn’t this time. I gave myself the patience and grace I needed to support my mental and physical health. The lists were helpful in that I was able to say, okay girl, you have to do some kind of playwriting at least four times this week. It doesn’t have to be an hour, or two hours, it just has to be something. This play has been written in tiny bursts, sometimes just 15-20 minutes of writing. I’m building my attention span and my stamina back, which is something I think everyone struggles with, what with our busy lives, the current slow motion train wreck of the news, and our favorite pop divas dropping an insane amount of songs on us in a matter of weeks.
I am still keeping lists, and I am still trying to make sure I stay on task and stick to the healthier habits I’ve built over the past year. But, sometimes, you just have to leave the boxes unchecked, get out of dodge, and have too much wine (but never enough laughter) with your friends.
Hi! I started recording voiceovers for some of the more popular posts, and I am hoping to get more done in the coming weeks. I love the feedback that this has made it more accessible for some of my fellow neurodivergents.
Here are the posts that have voiceovers, if you are interested in backtracking:
I very much relate! I need at least two notebooks and a calendar to keep me focused on priorities. It helps a ton!