Yes I just quoted “Seasons of Love” from the musical Rent, because this is my Substack, and I can do whatever I want.
Despite being 42, I’m still a 15 year old theater dork who sometimes still cannot believe I actually live in New York City, even if it was a much different experience than I imagined. I am not - and have never been - a squatter or even a resident of Alphabet City. I have not done performance art about a cow jumping over the moon in a tent city, nor am I married to a cool lesbian lawyer. In fact, I used to live a block down from the Gracie Mews on the Upper East Side, where Benny’s beloved Akita (Evita!) was tossed from the balcony by Angel, a character we loved even though she was literally a dog murderer. I can still sing the entire score of this musical, note for note.
Where are my keys, though? Fucked if I know!
This week, I am celebrating one year since I was diagnosed and started treatment for ADHD. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe I’m here.
People who are recently diagnosed with ADHD may find that it becomes their Whole Personality for a while. I cop to some Main Character syndrome this year, but she isn’t starring in a tragic drama this time, honey. This is a story of self discovery! We’re in the montage scene where she does a lot of yoga and smiles when she looks in the mirror. Maybe a hot waiter will bring her a frozen beverage on a beach and smile at her knowingly. There’s a stylish caftan involved here.
Fantasies aside (I really need a vacation), it’s really hard to sum this year up in a post. It’s hard to wrap my head around how much has changed for me. I have spent the past thirty years of my life battling mental illness, only to discover that I was misdiagnosed. It explains why antidepressants and anxiety meds would work for a short time, and then my symptoms would just come back. There has been grief in this, for sure, but there is also so much relief. There isn’t the constant question of “what the fuck is wrong with me?” banging around in my head. I know what’s wrong with me, and that knowledge alone has made everything a little easier.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not cured. There is no cure for ADHD. My brain is structurally different and I can’t do anything about that. I have bad days. I still have C-PTSD, but I’m actually able to address the trauma in a calmer, more proactive way. My untreated ADHD was like trying to bail out a sinking rowboat full of holes. No matter how hard you work, the water just keeps on coming.
Everything is different. Almost nothing I do is exactly the same. I’ve decided to bullet point the differences because one thing hasn’t changed - I still love a list.
Things That Have Changed
I don’t have chronic anxiety anymore. This is the weirdest experience for me. Out of all of the adjustments I’ve made, living a live nearly free of anxiety has been like decoding the Rosetta Stone. So much of what I did and how I lived was either to soothe, avoid, or anticipate anxiety. Sometimes if there is something I want to do and I hold back, I ask myself why. Most of the time its because I am afraid that I will get anxious or have a panic attack out in public. It’s going to take a while for me to fully believe that I won’t, but its opened up my world, especially when traveling. In the past year, I can honestly count on one hand the amount of times that anxiety has taken hold, and it was nothing that my rescue medication or even deep breathing couldn’t fix. I am grateful for this every single day.
My creative process is shifting. Oh, you mean I can just sit down at my desk and work without spinning out into a tizzy of self-doubt, impostor syndrome, second-guessing, self-loathing and rituals? Wild.
I have become a morning person. I don’t sleep past my alarm or oversleep anymore. In fact, I’m up around 6:30 am most days, EVEN WEEKENDS, and a lot of the time after coffee I get out my yoga mat or paints, or I start writing. I’m usually feeling more or less rested? Never in my life did I think this was a possible thing. I also sleep a lot better since I got medicated, flying in the face of every warning I got about stimulants. As it turns out, most of the hand wringing about stimulants is chicken fried bullshit served with a side of ableism and weird American puritanical nonsense.
I am better at relaxing. On days I decide I’m not doing things, I don’t do things, and I actually can feel calm and relaxed. If I am traveling, I carve time out to just chill. It usually makes me feel refreshed instead of anxious. Imagine!
I still have emotions, but the emotions don’t have me. I read a lot about how people feel zombified on stimulants, and that has not been the case for me at all. I have the full range of human emotions. The difference is that the emotions pass. If I get sad, I cry, and then I’m less sad. I don’t just cry for hours and hours like I used to. It doesn’t take me days to get over things.
My body is different. I used to feel like shit a lot. I used to get crippling nausea out of nowhere, or stomach cramps, but I can honestly say my stomach rarely bothers me anymore. My chronic hives are in remission, and I’ve been able to space out my allergy shots to once every two months, and the goal is to stop them completely. I don’t ache randomly. I don’t feel overly hyper. My focus on yoga and exercise is making me more muscular and balanced. I feel genuinely good most of the time.
My marriage is stronger. Now that we both understand that I have ADHD, we’ve both made adjustments to how we communicate. The things that used to mystify my husband about me are no longer a mystery. Our communication is better, and he’s been so patient and kind while I navigated this diagnosis and wouldn’t shut up about it.
I am not abusing substances or food. HUGE. I can do this “moderation” thing people talked about. I thought it was a myth.
I don’t fall, trip, or bang into things as much. My legs used to be a mess of bruises, I’ve sprained my right ankle more times than I can count, and I would just randomly fall up the damn stairs with no idea how I fell. I thought I was just a massive klutz. I would never describe myself as “graceful”, but it is definitely a vast improvement.
My PMS and my periods are less horrible. Don’t get me wrong, they still suck, and my medication doesn’t work as well right before my period. However, I am no longer a human trash compactor who has to eat everything in sight, and I am also not anxious, depressed, or exhausted. At worst, I’m a little cranky and bloated. My cramps are also half as bad. I think it might be because I’m not suffering from constant inflammation due to the stress.
I pay fewer ADHD taxes. I try not to add up how much money this disorder has cost me over the years. That’s too depressing.
I started this Substack and have posted weekly almost without fail. A year ago me COULD NEVER. Some of these posts are good, some aren’t so great, some got a lot of engagement, some didn’t. I just keep going. Pre-diagnosis, I think I might have already abandoned it by now.
I put my laundry away the day it gets done. THIS STILL FEELS LIKE PARTING THE RED SEA.
Things I Still Struggle With
Like any great journey, there are obstacles along the way…
Adderall can make me MORE hyper-focused, sometimes on the wrong things. I’ve learned to work with it. If I find myself glued to some dumb game on my phone, I have to choose to put that focus somewhere else. I’m still figuring this out. I’m still reading a lot about how to work with my energy windows and I’m timing things based on when I take my medication. For example - I used to write in the afternoons or early evening, now I have to write in the morning.
My creative process is still unfamiliar. I am working from a less emotional place, and that’s taking some re-learning on my part. It’s not that I feel like I’m not invested or I don’t care about what I am doing, it’s just not so intense. There are times I miss the frenetic energy in my brain. Ironically, when my meds wear off and its time to go to bed, I get a flurry of ideas. I’m trying to make sure I write them down.
If I wake up, I am AWAKE. I also have a harder time napping. However, I sleep better in general, so it all evens out. I just miss sleeping in sometimes, and I definitely miss a long, deep nap. This is totally because of the meds (and my cats get excited the second my eyes fly open), but if that’s one of the worst side effects, I can live with it.
Motivation. Medication, reading, education, strategies…they all help. But sometimes I still cannot find my fucks. My motivation was so connected to anxiety and being cruel to myself that it’s been a process to find the source of my motivation.
Adderall didn’t make me lose weight. That’s not really a struggle, and I’m not dieting or super committed to losing weight or anything. I mostly just find that really annoying, especially because I eat so much less.
The Nope Days still happen, and they feel harder. I had one of these earlier this week. No matter what I did, or how hard I reasoned with myself, I simply Could Not. These are days where unless there is something I absolutely must finish, I have to tell myself to let it go and try again tomorrow. This is easier said than done.
All in all, this has been one of the most important and transformative years of my life. I didn’t think a life without constant anxiety and self-loathing was possible for me. I had done so much therapy and so much work, only to feel like Sisyphus. I thought there was something broken and unfixable about me. It turns out there kind of is, but it’s not my fault, and while it can’t be fixed it can be treated. It’s not because I suck. I mean, I do suck sometimes, like anyone else. People can be shitty, even the best of us.
I was really scared to start this newsletter. Being vulnerable isn’t comfortable for me, and I was afraid that I might be rejected or judged. I have found the opposite. I feel like I have hundreds of hands on my back as I work towards healing. It turns out that there are a lot of you who are also on this long climb back from the bottom, whether you have ADHD or not. I don’t think there is any denying that the past several years have been traumatic as hell, and we have all needed to find some new strategies for how to do life from now on. I’ve enjoyed reading your posts and insights, and also have loved getting comments, emails, and so much support. Truly, thank you so much for being a part of this with me.
Now where the hell did I put my phone…
Some housekeeping…
This is a great time to upgrade to a paid subscription! I am offering 50% off a paid subscription until May 1, 2024. That comes out to $25 a year - a little over 2 bucks a month. You’ll get access to all paid posts (including personal essays), and your support helps me pay for the books and subscriptions I need to make sure that the factual information I present is well sourced and accurate. I also believe in paying writers I love, and I use some of this to support other writers right here on Substack.
I am in the process of recording more voiceovers! I don’t think I’m going to be able to do all 50+ posts I have on here, but I’m going to sort by my “top” posts and do some of those. I’ll link to them in subsequent posts when they are done.
I’m also debating on branching out into a podcast at some point. Let me know if there’s anything you’d like to hear me talk more about. I would definitely focus on aspects of my playwriting career and, of course, neurodivergence.
So great to hear you going in the right direction! 🥳
I hope I soon get similar help with my ADHD, only been focus on ASD… But I have both, and they cause problem in different ways. 😊