The "Nope" Days
when you just Cannot
I have spoken about Adderall the way some people talk about Taylor Swift or Jesus, in hushed and reverent tones, as if it is my personal messiah. In many ways, it is. My symptoms are so much better, and my life feels 100 times easier in a lot of ways. I still have not suffered an anxiety attack, which is insane to me. I’ve never gone this long without one, and I am so grateful. I have had very few side effects - fewer than I ever did on an SSRI - and that has been a huge relief. It’s also nice that I can just take a day off from taking it if I want to.
Despite the amazing results I’ve had from medication, I still have bad ADHD days. Medication is not a cure. There is no cure for ADHD. You cannot change your brain structure. You can only manage your symptoms.
Last week, I had a crazy productive Sunday. I had my first reading of a new play in four years, which was thrilling, but as with any sort of theater producing, things were hectic. My director and I - true women of genius that we are - scheduled a reading on MARATHON SUNDAY. For those of you who don’t live here, the New York City Marathon is a day in which tens of thousands of people descend upon the relatively tiny isle of Manhattan to cheer on their friends. Wonderful event, horrible for getting anywhere.
I planned carefully, knowing that getting into the city would be trickier than usual. Since I like to feed the amazing actors who donate their time, I pre-ordered bagels and cream cheese three days in advance, and scheduled a pick up time. Of course, when I arrived to pick up my bagels, they had a snafu with their printer, and my order wasn’t ready so I had to wait. Next thing you know I’m running as fast as I can down the street with a giant bag of bagels, cream cheese, and a prayer. I made the N train within an inch of my life, and then literally ran through midtown to get to the space on time and set up. It worked out. The hecticness of it felt like my old life, without the crippling anxiety. I felt more like myself than I have in a long time. I’ve been self producing theater in New York for close to twenty years, and here I was, back doing my thing. The reading went really well, and I was so happy!
Monday - full of confidence from the day before - I was like I AM GOING TO DO ALL OF THE THINGS. And then I did none of the things. Other than logging into work and getting my actual required duties handled, I was rendered immobile. Once my work day was over, I posted up on the couch with Candy Crush and a rousing marathon of Below Deck: Sailing Yacht. I couldn’t find a single fuck. My brain was screaming at me to do something - anything - but I simply could not. I cracked open TikTok, and came across this:
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I love the term “Nope Days”. You can be as mean to yourself as you want, you can bargain and plead with yourself, but no matter what you do, when you try to push yourself into action, your brain is just like:
I am learning to take the Nope Days more in stride. Before I knew what was going on with me, I thought these days were evidence that I was secretly “lazy”. Now, of course, running around like a crazy person for an entire Sunday in a high stress situation combined with the vulnerability of hearing new work out loud would make MOST people have a less productive day immediately after, but I think one of the ways I tried to cope was to harness the adrenaline and motivation and push myself to do more. Now I realize that sensory overload and exhaustion is a thing that will lead to emotional dysregulation, which I’m trying to avoid. The only thing to do on a Nope day is accept it. Get up the next day and try again.
It’s not easy. I have always been a hard worker, and I am wired to push myself to accomplish as much as I can when I’m having a window of creativity and motivation. The problem is that no matter what, the Nope days would happen anyway, and I’d spend them berating myself until I caused a cycle of anxiety and depression that would lead to - you guessed it - more Nope days. Now I just have my Nope day, and if I get some rest and take care of myself, I can usually get back on the pony the next day. I have to forgive myself and trust that these days are only temporary.
I’ve moved into the acceptance phase of grief. I cannot wish my ADHD away. I also cannot deny that it is something I will struggle with for the rest of my life. Medication is a great tool, but it is not a panacea. The Nope Days are less frequent than they used to be, and they’re also no longer a mystery. I know why they happen, and I know what to do, which is just give into it. I do the things I have to do, and anything else that gets done is a bonus.
I’m also beginning to reach the part of this journey where I don’t want this to be my whole personality anymore. I am still recovering from the trauma of the past several years and from being undiagnosed from so long. I am still going to write about it (I did start an entire Substack, after all), but there are days now where I just want to exist without thinking about my disorder. Being neurodivergent is a part of who I am, but not all of who I am, and moving into acceptance is the healthiest thing I can do as I continue to heal my mind and my body.