Hyperfixation Friday: My So-Called Flaws

turns out it's not just my crappy personality!

Hey y’all! I am trying a new thing, which I will call Hyperfixation Friday, in which I will talk about something I am currently fixated on for whatever reason. I doubt this will be every Friday, since I will undoubtedly forget I am doing this once in a while. These posts may or may not be about ADHD (I suspect they often won’t be), but since my current hyperfixation is learning about ADHD and processing this diagnosis - the kids would say its my “whole personality” at the moment - I will start with this.

A common sentiment I see among people who have been diagnosed with ADHD is the realization that what they thought were just personality flaws are actually a hallmark of the disorder. They differ from person to person, and it also depends on if you are inattentive type, hyperactive type, or combined presentation. I am firmly in the inattentive camp. I have worked on many if not all of these over time, with varying degrees of success. It has been a constant source of frustration for me when I would try to fix one of these issues and it would not work. These things are not always negative, but they certainly can be.

Here are some things that I thought were just personality flaws and/or results of my anxiety (well, they ARE in part my anxiety, but often these things cause my anxiety) that are actually a function of my ADHD, complete with links to more info if any of these interest you:

1. Hyperfixations, obviously (including but not limited to: Tori Amos, The Sims 4, class/income inequality, theater, cats, fitness, and reproductive rights)

2. Falling/bumping into shit constantly (my legs sometimes rival Courtney Love in the 90s. I also bruise easily)

3. Emotional meltdowns that seem to come out of nowhere

4. “Laziness” and inability to start a task (aka, ADHD Paralysis)

5. Interrupting people (I have worked on this really, really hard. If I ever interrupted you, I am sorry, I just always think I’m going to immediately forget the thought that popped into my mind, and I probably would, its just that it probably wasn’t that important?)

6. Talking too much/too fast

7. Going off on tangents during the course of normal conversation (though I usually do, at some point, get back on topic)

8. Sensory issues (an itchy shirt tag will make me want to kill people)

9. Getting easily bored with things (especially food)

10. Binge eating (there is an entire post about this somewhere)

11. Misophonia, or, How I Once Almost Wound up in Jail for Homicide because My Husband Was Eating Soup Too Loud

12. Drinking too much alcohol (this will definitely be an entire post)

13. Justice sensitivity (I’ll take Things I Had No Idea Existed for $1000, Alex)

14. Making careless mistakes

15. If I am very keyed up, I sometimes am unable to follow verbal instructions

16. Walking into a room with purpose and then having absolutely no fucking clue what I am doing there. Yes, everyone does this sometimes. I do it constantly.

17. Thinking that everyone secretly hates me, thinks I am pathetic, and are only nice to me because they feel sorry for me because I am a giant loser and that I annoy the shit out of everyone constantly (that last part may be true sometimes, I can be profoundly annoying!)

18. Making a mess wherever I go. Just a trail of destruction.

19. Looking for my phone/keys/wallet/vape/water bottle. All day. All the time. Every day.

20. Putting things off until the very last minute and then panicking as I get it done at light speed, because hyperfixation can be very useful sometimes!

The fact that I have all of these is one of the reasons why my shrink called this “a very easy diagnosis”. How’s that for a pull quote?!

“Kari Bentley-Quinn was…a very easy diagnosis!” -Dr. E., M.D.

Most of these issues have caused me intense anxiety and shame, and became increasingly disruptive as I got older. Now that I am on medication, some of these things have resolved, and some are definitely still a thing. I have not, for instance, wanted to murder my husband for eating food too loudly since April, but I did entirely leave the house without my keys the other day. Knowing that my brain works differently, and how and why it does, has alleviated so much shame and panic. When I would experience some of these things, I literally could not understand what the actual fuck was wrong with me. Now I know what is wrong with me, and when I catch myself doing an ADHD thing, I can laugh it off or remember that I’m due for my second dose. Thank god for Adderall, KBQ’s little helper.

It should be said that even neurotypical people have one or more of these issues, and that many of these are common with other mental health issues as well. As always, if you read this list and it sets off any alarm bells in your mind, please always contact a mental health professional or your physician to talk about it. I find that doctors really hate self-diagnosis, so even if you are pretty sure you have it, approach it with an attitude of curiosity vs. certainty (“Hey, I read this article and wanted to ask you a few questions”). Not all doctors are good, but they DID all do rotations that required them to be awake for 36 hours straight, dealt with lots of blood and fecal matter, and they also had to take organic chemistry. They earned the right to diagnose, and if you disagree with the diagnosis, you can always get a second opinion.

I hope you all have a great weekend of doing all the things, or none of the things, whatever the case may be.