I have tried to write about anything but the election. I am failing. So I’m getting this out, because I’m starting to lose my mind again, and the only way I can cope is to write about it.
I am sick to death of this shit, and we still have over a month to go. I am sick to death of the crazy. I am sick to death of having to react to everything the second any news drops. Social media made me a reactionary ball of cortisol who could barely read an entire article. Now, I take the time to digest information, read multiple sources, and fact check where I can. I need time to process things, and processing things has been good for my brain and my mental health.
Some people naturally fell away once I stopped posting on social media, and my circle has tightened. There is less noise. I have a lot of clarity that I did not have before. Now that I have gotten a big part of my brain back, I have realized that one of our biggest problems is that we have a culture awash with people full of moral certainty, a clear sense that their view is correct, and that any deviation from that thinking means you are a Bad Person.
For a long time since the 2016 election, I have had trouble writing. It took me forever to realize why (besides the ADHD). Part of it was because I was struggling to see the good in people. I always look for the good in people, for their humanity. I think it is one of my strengths as an artist.
I cannot be a good writer and hate people at the same time. I cannot write a decent character without the compassion and empathy that requires, even when said character does something fucked up. I can tell in about 2 seconds when a writer has contempt for their characters, and it takes me out of it immediately. I have never written a wholly “bad” person. I can’t think of anything more boring.
When someone does a bad thing, or has a bad opinion, there seems to be no avenue for meaningful amends or even a base level of curiosity as to why that person did what they did, or why they think what they think. It’s not my place to argue if people deserve to be forgiven - that’s between them and the people that they hurt. But as the world became more polarized and the emphasis on moral purity became paramount, we too often fell into the trap of “that person made a terrible mistake, or did a bad thing, and that means they are Evil and Not Like Me”. This exempts us from the way we have all participated in the culture, and gives us an easy avenue to avoid the hard questions.
This certainly doesn’t mean we should excuse abhorrent behavior, but I am convinced that our culture of shame is actually preventing us from getting to the root of abuse, and figuring out how to stop it. We have allowed people to weaponize the language of abuse, letting us forget that we are all capable of cruelty, abusive behavior, and shitty choices. We are all capable of evil, whatever evil is. Not a single one of us is exempt from causing harm, no matter how strong our protestations to the contrary.
I bent myself into pretzels trying to be a “good person” for my entire life. I have jumped on bandwagons I shouldn’t have, said things I shouldn’t have, and did everything I could to appear like I was the “correct” kind of progressive/liberal. Part of that was my undiagnosed neurodivergence. Part of that was plain old fear of being “cancelled”, which seems silly now, since I’m not important enough to be cancelled.
I am not sure I am a “good” person. What I do know is that I will no longer go against my own instincts to prove to the world that I am a “good” person. I refuse to say things I do not entirely believe because that is what is expected of someone with my politics. I know what I think is right and what I think is wrong. It isn’t about if I can live with myself. My feelings are not the most important thing in this world.
There are two choices for President: Kamala Harris, or Donald Trump. One of them will win.
I don’t disagree with the assertion that a two-party system is flawed at best, and perhaps we’d have a more functional democracy if there was more diversity in our choices. As of now, we do not have such a choice when it comes to who will be president. We do not have a viable third party, or a leader who is creating one that has legs. Sure, we have whackadoos like RFK Jr. and Jill Stein, who are not serious people. I’d have preferred it if, say, Bernie Sanders used his energy getting a third party started than what he wound up doing. But pretending like we have a viable third party to vote for is, as the kids would say, delulu. A protest vote does not teach anyone a lesson, stop wars, or foster real change. Please see: the 2000 Presidential Election and the 2016 Presidential Election, which were both affected by margins that went to third party votes. Neither one of those elections brought forward a more fair, just or progressive society.
And then there is the issue of Gaza, which has become an issue so inflammatory that it can’t be talked about without conflict. So I’ll just say this - my friends - the ones who have been with me through thick and thin - know what kind of person I am. They know what I’ve been through, they know that I have experienced abuse and violence, and they know my heart. I am anti-war and anti-violence, and that doesn’t just apply to Gaza - that applies to Ukraine, the Congo, Sudan, Darfur, and Syria. It is hard for me to witness, in part because I know to some degree what it is like. I experienced war on 9/11. Most Americans never have, due to geography and some dumb luck.
It was a mere teaspoon of war, a drop of war, but an act of war nonetheless. Twenty three years later and it still lives in my bones.
I abhor what is happening to the people of Palestine. But I also abhor rank anti-semitism, which I have seen from people I expected better from, and it astonishes me how quickly it became acceptable.
I can hold those two thoughts at the same time.
In the end, it comes down to one question: Who is going to get us closer to the world I want to live in? To the country I want to live in?
I quote Rebecca Solnit here:
We can get a little closer [to that vision] by elections, or at least not get further away on every front, but the work doesn’t begin and end with elections—and it doesn’t necessarily work through them. That’s part of why I think of voting as a chess move, not a valentine. It’s just a little part of the picture of how we make the world.
I may live in a “safe” blue state, but no one can convince me that the best use of my privilege is to withhold my vote from Kamala Harris. That makes no sense to me. I do not believe causing more harm in the immediate term to my friends and neighbors would help a single thing. In fact, I think it would make just about everything worse than it already is. Also, Kamala Harris seems like a better option than we have had in quite some time. She is smart, capable, and can take on shitty men quite handily. She has a lot of experience doing that, lord knows. I also have seen that she has genuine compassion and a desire to make things better.
The other day, I watched Harris’ speech on abortion, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. I cried, not only because of the devastating way that women are dying, but because she is one of the first people to talk about abortion as a normal part of life. It should not be groundbreaking to say it is okay to have an abortion if you don’t want to be pregnant, but it is. If you haven’t seen it, watch it. It’s one of the best speeches I’ve seen in quite some time. If there is a CHANCE - even a small one - that she could do something to prevent more women from dying of fucking sepsis because they can’t get a D&C, that is worth my vote as far as I am concerned.
It is also worth it to me to issue my vote as a fundamental rejection of the Christofascist theocracy that the Republicans want to impose upon us. Project 2025 is not made up. It is real. The full text of the document is readily available. Given that every terrible thing they wanted has come to pass thus far, not believing them is at our peril. The dude who is in charge of it allegedly killed his neighbor’s dog with a shovel. That’s the kind of person who would be in control of our lives. No thanks.
My impulse here is to beg people to vote for Harris, but I realized that I did enough begging in 2016 for one lifetime, and it got me nowhere. It gave me the illusion of control. I admit that I am, for the most part, powerless.
Many of the smart writers and thinkers I follow argue that we are fundamentally doomed, no matter what. These are brilliant people who make compelling arguments, and have plenty of historical examples for their assertions, but I cannot join them in their despair. If we really are all doomed and nothing can ever get better, then why even open your eyes in the morning? Why get out of bed? Why answer your friends’ texts? Why fall in love? Why make your art? Why have children? Why leave your house? Why do any of it?
I refuse to give into fatalistic thinking. I still have hope for better days, even if they are numbered. If I believe that nothing can ever change, that means I have lost all hope, and that means I have lost a fundamental part of myself. After everything I’ve lost over the past decade, I’m unwilling to lose that, too. My vote for Harris contains every ounce of my hope, while understanding that I may be disappointed, or worse. It is not evidence of my goodness, or badness, or anything in between.
I am just a human, doing what I think is the best thing to do in a shitty situation. I may be wrong. But I would rather be wrong than give up.
PS:
After I recorded the voiceover for this, I read this post by
, which touches on some of the things I talked about here.I bring cancellation up today not to delve into my experience of it, but to highlight one of the biggest reasons why these days I can be a little more scared to publish, and why: I’m less precious about my beliefs; I’m aware I operate on a thick ideology I’m emotionally attached to (just like everyone else); I feel allergic to anyone who thinks they have the one right answer and I feel severely allergic to anyone who thinks they possess some kind of moral authority or superiority because of their ideology or beliefs or even experience; and I’m cautious of intellectual privilege and how its weaponized.
Cancellation is also why I’m far more likely to be concerned with how we treat each other and the tolerance we extend to one another—what we do in the actual course of our lives—than I am with sweeping systemic change2.
The feeling of being willfully misunderstood, villainized, silenced, ostracized from my community, encouraged to loathe and punish myself, etc. etc., sent me down a cave-hole not many have had to spelunk, which means it also gave me experiences and awarenesses not everyone has access to.
Whew. So much to unpack there, but I FELT THIS.
“I cannot be a good writer and hate people at the same time.”
I may need this tattooed on the inside of my eyelids.