Becoming a Bear

January = nope

Photo by Daniele Levis Pelusi on Unsplash

I hate January. It’s cold, dark, dreary, and long. In New York, we walk everywhere and take the train, and my least favorite thing in the world is being outdoors when the wind chills are in the single digits. No thank you. Most people I know hate August, but when I’m sweltering on a subway platform, I say “at least its not January” and then go get myself a slushy beverage. For me, its easier to cool myself down than to get the cold out of my bones.

Last January, I made an agreement with myself that I was going to hibernate. I was not drinking alcohol at the time, so staying home was the easiest way to stick to it. I also was recovering from a nasty bout of COVID, and I was severely depressed and depleted. I made the decision that the only things I was going to do were the things I absolutely had to do, and nothing else. Carry water, chop wood.

I am terrible at saying no, so I practiced. A lot. No, I can’t come to your birthday party. No, I can’t see your play. No, I can’t. Sorry. See you in February. Maybe.

I thought I was going to be bored, or lonely. I was not. I slept. A lot. I spent time with my husband and my cats. I went to work on the days I had to, and then came straight home. I went to bed early - like crazy early - every night. This was when I started to build a dedicated sleep practice. I did yoga or meditation almost every night, which miraculously is something I have stuck to. I exercised when I felt like it, ate whatever I wanted, and allowed myself to veg out on the couch watching reality trash and playing games on my phone.

I am convinced that giving myself that permission to hibernate and take care of myself was the first step in my healing. I was able to focus in therapy and with my new psychiatrist, and would be only a few more months before I got my formal ADHD diagnosis. It led me to healthier, more sustainable ways of doing things. By February, I was finally feeling better, and starting to be social again.

This year, I decided I was going to hibernate again. The holidays and another bout of COVID took it out of me. Since I’ve generally been feeling so much better, my instinct is still to say yes to everything. But I say no. I have found that having a month of “no” means more space to say “yes” in the future.

Doing things differently in January is nothing new. There are, of course, the dreaded New Year’s resolutions, which I don’t do anymore. There is also the popular Dry January, where after a holiday season of overindulgence, people put down the wine in favor of sparkling water and mocktails. I did Dry January a few times, and it is a nice break. I decided not to do that this year. I didn’t put limitations or rules on myself. I was just going to focus on taking care of myself and doing things that made me feel good. Sometimes that’s a glass of really good Italian wine and a bowl of pasta, but most of the time its yoga and sleep and snuggling with my cats.

Turns out, people have caught onto January Hibernation. While I certainly disagree that January is the best month, there is something to be said for the quiet after the holiday storm. One person interviewed in the Times article had some succinct advice:

Ms. Delman, the January fan in Providence, said she had no intention of ruining the year’s most uneventful month with onerous self-improvement tasks.

“I’m not going to torment myself with a 10-day cleanse or showing up to the gym for a week,” she said. “I just live my life.

I, too, had no intention of ruining my January with self-improvement tasks. I find that giving myself permission to just be actually winds up giving my brain more space for creativity. I spent a lot of time painting and writing this month, and I’m almost done with a rewrite that was truly a pain in the ass. But I also played a lot of The Sims and watched cult documentaries and slept in. Other than the medical drama I inadvertently guest starred in, it was a delightfully boring month. Now that the month is winding down, I find myself cautiously optimistic about the year to come (the Election notwithstanding, which I have designated a Later Kari Problem, and I’m trying not to think about it).

Hibernation can be tricky for the ADHD brain. It is hard for us not to do things and seek novelty, and stillness and quiet can be a challenge. Like all things, it takes a bit of practice. After the overwhelm of the holiday season, paring things down can be a great break for your brain. It’s how I’m doing January from here on out. Do the things I have to do, and things I want to do, and nothing extra. Snuggle in, make some tea, and dream of spring.

Like all things in this life, January will end. Problem being that then its February. But hey, there’s no law saying you can’t extend your hibernation by a few weeks. Be like a bear. They know what’s up.